Democrats work themselves into a froth being nice

July 29, 2004|By Kevin Cowherd

LET'S EXAMINE the major themes to emerge thus far at the Democratic National Convention, where everyone was apparently handed a four-day supply of Prozac and love is in the air:

Theme 1: We're United As Never Before!

It's true! All of us Dems, black and white, rich and poor, young and old, are consumed by one goal. And that one goal is to unseat the Evil One, the Dark Prince, He Whose Name Dare Not Be Spoken.

Oops, sorry. We said there'd be no Bush-bashing.

We want to remain above that sort of thing, the gutter politics of old.

Oh, sure, a sweetheart like Teresa Heinz Kerry may occasionally lose it at a crowded reception, perhaps after a white wine or two, and tell a hostile reporter to "shove it."

Big deal.

The media shouldn't take that personally. That's just her getting in touch with her inner James Carville.

Theme 2: Dude, We're Mainstream!

That's right, we're not a bunch of brown rice- eating, Birkenstock-wearing, tree-hugging, Michael Moore-worshipping weirdos out of touch with the rest of the country anymore.

Are you kidding? We love baseball, hotdogs and apple pie as much as the next red-blooded American!

OK, we might love Volvos more than Chevrolets. And we're partial to those eco-friendly hybrids, too, the ones that get 48 mpg and don't make a herd of elk in Montana keel over every time you start 'em up.

But don't hold that against us!

Oh, sure, when the TV cameras pan the audience, you might see a few of us who look like we came here straight from Woodstock. But, honest, most of us are just as buttoned-down and corporate and neurotic as everyone else.

Look, we even carry BlackBerrys!

Theme 3: Guess What? We're Strong on National Defense, Too!

No, sir, we're not the namby-pamby Dems of old. The terrorists won't want to mess with the John Kerry administration.

If we have to bomb another country, by God, we'll bomb another country.

If we have to put boots on the ground, we'll put boots on the ground.

Don't think we won't, either.

We're all about keeping the homeland secure. And we'll have a war hero in the Oval Office to do it, too.

But here's the thing: If we have to bomb another country, we'd prefer not to bomb it all by ourselves. We'd prefer to get other countries involved in the bombing, too.

And not just junior varsity countries like Portugal and Belgium and Belize that don't really have any bombs to speak of. No, we'd like to get the heavy hitters from NATO, and maybe the Russians, to drop a few bombs, too.

That way, the country being bombed won't hate just us. They'll hate lots of other countries, too!

Theme 4: Are We a Bunch of Silver-Tongued Devils or What?!

Face it: Our speakers are way better than any of the old corpses the Republicans will dig up for their convention.

Didn't Bill Clinton look like a million bucks the other night?

And let's face it: He could still talk a herd of cattle into a slaughterhouse.

Hillary Rodham Clinton was no slouch at the podium, either. And Barack Obama's stirring remarks - why, the man should be wearing a costume with a cape and Rising Superstar stenciled on the front.

OK, Howard Dean is still no William Jennings Bryan.

And he still looks like he could flip out at any moment, especially when he flashes that "Chuckie" grin of his and gives that dual thumbs-up sign, something we haven't seen since the Fonz used to climb off his motorcycle on Happy Days.

And, fine, Teresa Heinz Kerry was a little too somber and touchy-feely in her speech, especially seeing as how she was the last speaker of the night and people were already looking at their watches and thinking: "What time does that Hooters on Friends Street close?"

But with John Edwards up last night and John Kerry set to give the speech of his life tonight, we should get the momentum back, no problem.

Unless Kerry bombs and bums everyone out.

In which case we may need more than Prozac.

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