John Kerry explains all on his veep

July 08, 2004|By Kevin Cowherd

Memo to staff - why I chose John Edwards as my running mate:

Tremendous hair - maybe better than mine.

Not a potty-mouth like Cheney.

OK, fine, McCain turned me down.

Brings much-needed balance to ticket: He waves lefty, I wave righty.

Three words: Chicks dig him.

Humble background voters love: son of millworker, worked his way through college sweeping floors, blah, blah, blah.

Populist image, champion of the common man, tireless voice of the underdog, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Did I mention his hair? Should probably say that again.

Let's face it: Who appeals to "ordinary people" more than a wealthy trial lawyer?

When they're renovating my mansion, Teresa and I can always crash at his.

Who looks better striding across airport tarmacs?

Compared to Cheney, he's Jack LaLanne: no heart attacks, no quadruple-bypass surgery. Not a guy who'll keel over in a buffet line.

During debate between VP candidates, can challenge Cheney to a push-up contest.

If Cheney gets cute with trick questions on terrorism, the economy, etc., Edwards can shoot back: "Oh, yeah? What's your cholesterol count?"

Sunny guy, always smiling. Offsets my image as someone who should be standing next to a freshly dug grave with a shovel.

Can never have too many guys on the ticket named John.

Agrees with me that one way to bridge gulf between "two Americas" - one for the privileged, one for everyone else - is to marry heiress to Heinz food fortune.

Terrific hair. (Maybe I mentioned this. If so, apologies.)

He's Mr. Positive when it comes to campaigning - hates to "go negative." (Note: We'll work on this. By the time I'm through, he'll be referring to Lynne Cheney as "that sniveling, dough-faced harridan.")

Family man with three adorable kids, two toddlers perfect for photo ops. American voters would elect Joe Stalin if he campaigned with these two.

That whole I'm-from-the-North, he's-from-the-South thing.

Carolina drawl nice counterpoint to my Boston Brahmin accent, which plays like Farsi below the Mason-Dixon line.

Great sense of humor. Says he doesn't mind if I introduce him as "Opie" at Democratic National Convention.

When we're clasping raised hands for photogs, his sweat a lot less than Bob Graham's.

That thing he does with his hair, when the breeze catches it? How he sort of flicks it off his forehead? Like Kennedy did? (Sorry if I seem fixated on this!).

Focus groups say he's a way better back-slapper than Dick Gephardt.

Exactly what "experience" do you need to attend the funeral of the president of Togo?

His docs assure us his hair should thin very little over the next four years.

If graying occurs, poll of leading stylists indicates he'll do fine with the dark-brown rinse from Just for Men.

OK, bottom line: Does anyone really care who the VP candidate is?

And remember: After Dan Quayle, every other veep candidate looks like Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

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