Call for an investigation

Schwarzenegger move inspires one tough act

Satire

November 08, 2003|By Stephanie Shapiro

Nov. 7, 2003

To: Acme Private Investigations

From: Stephanie Shapiro

Dear Sir or Madam:

As you may have heard, the governor-elect of California has launched a major investigation into his own alleged groping of numerous women over the last many, many years.

In that spirit, I am requesting your services regarding a few recent allegations concerning me. As with Gov.-elect Schwarzenegger, these allegations threaten to impugn my reputation, if not destroy my standing in the community, and I am determined to get to the bottom of them.

To wit:

It has been alleged that I was being "mean" last week when I refused to allow my son to stay up to watch Naked World at 10:30 p.m. on a school night. Please advise if there is any truth to this assertion.

I supposedly "ran a red light" at the corner of Roland Avenue and Cold Spring Lane on Wednesday afternoon. Please research and let me know what the evidence shows.

Rumors have dogged me that I drank "a bit too much" red wine at a dinner party in October 1998. This is perhaps the hardest claim to swallow.

Sources allege that I "sat down for 10 minutes" during a recent Body Pump workout at a local gym. Could this possibly be true?

According to one report, I had a "road rage" incident in the baking aisle of my local grocery store. I maintain that it was an innocent, no-fault fender bender. Me? Road rage? Please!

Certain people maintain that I "burned" the sweet rolls the other morning because I was on the phone. This simply can't be right.

At times in my life, I have behaved in a less than exemplary manner. However, I have no specific recollection of any of these alleged transgressions. And frankly, my accusers' veracity must be questioned. One of them has frequently made wild assertions about having his schoolwork done, and once, in an argument with his brother, claimed improbably that "Batman could too beat Superman." Right, and Conan could beat the Terminator. As if.

I find myself groping to comprehend why it's their word over mine. Ditto the cop's, my husband's or my gym buddy's, for that matter.

I need your help: Just what the heck was I doing on each of these occasions? Once the truth is revealed, I believe I will be avenged, I mean vindicated.

As per our initial discussion, I agree to pay you as follows:

a. $100 if you find evidence that any of the above allegations are true.

b. $1,000 if you are able to determine none is true.

Sincerely,

Stephanie "The Mominator" Shapiro

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