DEBILITATING heat and dry weather conditions have not stopped our senior citizens from making big plans for end-of-summer good times. This Just In: The Mount Airy Senior Center in Carroll County is having a "Beach Party" on Aug. 29, about noon. Entertainment by Johnny Walker Redding. "Wear your favorite beach outfit," the invitation says. "Sorry, no bikinis or thongs."
But presumably Speedos are allowed.
Drought has rendered things so dry around here I saw a snakehead at BWI looking for a flight back to China.
It's so dry someone has started a bas relief of The Last Supper on the sandy shores of Loch Raven Reservoir.
It's so dry they're just having damp T-shirt contests in Ocean City this summer.
It's so dry Vic Carter went to give the news on Channel 13 the other night and dust came out of his mouth.
It's so dry Ed Kane's Water Taxi is talking about converting to four-wheel drive.
It's so dry I saw a panhandler on Route 40 with a sign that said, "Will Work for Aquafina."
Most of Baltimore County has been declared a brownfield by the EPA.
The Wetlands Golf Course in Aberdeen has been renamed the Sahara.
Schnauzers have stopped drooling.
Boston terriers have stopped snorting.
Mike Hargrove has stopped spitting.
Ray Lewis has stopped shvitzing.
I could go on, so I will.
It's so dry some of Baltimore's premier snowball stands are now using shredded Enron documents.
It's so dry I saw a guy washing his Lincoln Navigator with baby wipes.
The water stains on my favorite silk tie have disappeared.
Even the weeds are dying.
Even Brian Billick has stopped talking.
It's so dry that, on Friday, they're doing outdoor movies on the working side of Prettyboy Dam.
I saw a guy walking out of the Department of Public Works with a dowsing rod.
I hear they're talking about turning Liberty Reservoir into a motocross track.
There's so little water around here I saw a great blue heron stalking the tropical fish at PetSmart.
The other day at the zoo, I saw 10 people taking a bath in the dirt with the elephants.
And I hear they've handed out Super Soakers to the penguins.
I saw a small mob overwhelm the Zamboni driver at Mount Pleasant Ice Arena and steal his snow. (And not a word of it in this newspaper!)
It's not all bad. There's so little water around here, I am no longer retaining. No more temporary water-weight buildup!
It's so dry I saw a guy topping off his radiator with Perrier.
A man in Perry Hall drank his waterbed.
My neighbor waters his lawn with Evian.
His wife spritzes her tomatoes with Pellegrini.
At least this much is true:
Kayaking is deserted
It's so dry they won't be kayaking this weekend on the Jones Falls. The planned release of water from Lake Roland won't be happening, as hoped, so the scheduled day of paddling the river through the Jones Falls Valley has been canceled, according to Michael Beer, founding member of the Jones Falls Watershed Association. The association had hoped for four special releases this year. They had one in June, one in July. Said Beer: "Hopefully, we'll be able to have the fourth one, planned for Sept. 22."
The weekend won't be a total loss for Jones Falls celebrations. You can sit in Wyman Park on Friday night, about 7 o'clock, and listen to one of Baltimore's most gifted musicians, Chris Norman, play his Celtic-inspired pieces on the flute. Norman appears yearly at the Meyerhoff with Helicon and he plays with the Baltimore Consort. His talents can be heard on the soundtrack of Titanic. A few years ago, he wrote a piece called "Stony Run," inspired by the little stream in North Baltimore, part of the Jones Falls watershed.
I hope, while he's playing, they give Chris plenty to drink.
Because it's so dry around here ...