80 home runs on steroids? Big deal

Dad, tell me a baseball story.

Sure, son. Once upon a time, there was a player named Babe Ruth who hit lots of home runs and -

What was he on, Dad? Anabolic steroids like Ken Caminiti? Andro like Mark McGwire? Human growth hormone?

Well, that's the thing, son. Ballplayers didn't take steroids back then.

Get out! So how did they get ripped, Dad? How did they get arms the size of dock pilings and shoulders like a defensive tackle so they could hit all those homers?

Actually, the Babe was sort of pudgy at 210 pounds.

Only 210? What was he, the batboy?

No, no, the Babe pitched early in his career, then played the outfield. Oh, could he hit home runs!

And he didn't take 'roids? Why, were they testing a lot back then?

No, son, they really didn't test for steroids in the Babe's day.

Because everyone knows water-based steroids wash out of your system in days, Dad. Now they even have steroids that don't show up in urine tests at all. And human growth hormone - the CIA couldn't detect that stuff in your system.

No, son, Babe Ruth wasn't afraid of testing. See, there was no need for testing. Ballplayers just didn't take steroids back then. They drank whiskey and smoked cigarettes and chased women instead.

They couldn't take steroids? Dudes should've filed a grievance with the players' association.

Steroids just weren't around, son. If the Babe wanted to get up for a game, he wolfed down a half-dozen hotdogs, the way the good Lord intended.

And none of the other great sluggers you're always talking about - Ted Williams, Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle, Hank Aaron, Willie Mays, Frank Robinson - took steroids, either?

Nope. They all relied on God-given talent and hard work to hit their homers.

Not 2 cc's of Deca-Durabolin taken intravenously every other day in the off-season?

No, son. Why, back then ballplayers didn't even carry hypodermic needles.

And this Babe Ruth had game?

Major game. He hit 60 homers one year.

Big deal. Barry Bonds will have 60 by the All-Star break. He'll probably break his own single-season record of 73.

But don't you see, son? So many of these home run records might be tainted. They're being set by bulked-up uber-players illegally enhancing their testosterone levels and muscle mass. No, give me baseball the way it was played in the old days.