So Much Flapping, So Little Flight

Fan Fare

January 13, 2002|By Sun staff

Such pessimists!

Sure, the Baltimore Ravens' defense is talking a good game. Coach Brian Billick is sticking out his chin, sticking with his quarterback. And it's only the Miami Dolphins, right?

Ah, but behind the bravado, behind the trash talk, there is doubt. A refusal to believe. The glass is half full, the trophy half gone. OK, we'll play along.

For so-called fans who have declared the season toast before today's playoff game begins, we present the "Top 10 items to have on hand as the Ravens stumble in the general direction of the Super Bowl."

1. Naval Academy manual on lowering Ravens car flags to half-staff.

2. Instruction pamphlet for the "Heidi maneuver" (based on the Heimlich), for changing the channel to any old movie when the Ravens are choking.

3. Rubbing alcohol: Speeds removal of stickers -- including "Ravens Dynasty" decals -- from car windows and bumpers.

4. List of doctors who do emergency tattoo removal, for erasing Ray Lewis' No. 52 from your "personal seat."

5. W fashion magazine's hints for wearing purple to a funeral.

6. Copy of the self-help book, Punting for Dummies.

7. Advice from George Bush Sr. on coming to grips with being a one-term wonder.

8. Coach Brian Billick's new treatise: "Maintaining Arrogance in the Face of Overwhelming Evidence That You're Merely Average."

9. Trent Dilfer bobble-head doll.

10. Blue food coloring, to mix up some Purple Pepto.

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