Some resolutions you can stick with

January 02, 2002|By Phil Perrier

LOS ANGELES - We all do it. We make great big ambitious New Year's resolutions: we are going to lose weight, stop smoking, start working out, stay on top of our finances and do all sorts of things that are completely out of character.

Then, around Jan. 3, it all goes to hell and we are right back to being the same lazy bums we have always been.

It's as if we are trying to trick ourselves into being someone else. Maybe we think our bodies and our brains will be so confused by the calendar change that they won't notice when we become wildly self-assured and productive overnight, despite a lifetime of relentless mediocrity.

This year, try making New Year's resolutions that take into account who you are. Embrace yourself, even if you are embracing a sloth-like sofa barnacle. You may want to:

Drink more. This one makes sense, as it appears one's alcohol intake has a natural tendency to increase. Just as you grow your stock portfolio, so too can you grow your ability to ingest intoxicants. You may notice your family withdrawing from you, but then they don't understand the pressure you're under.

In the event of negative side effects such as jaundice, gout or divorce, you may want to cut back your drinking.

Gain weight. This is a no-brainer. It's a simple law of nature: The older you get, the fatter you become. So trying to lose weight as you grow older is not only unrealistic, it is also unnatural.

Your body wants to get bigger. If you don't believe me, try fitting into those jeans in the back of your closet you still have from college. They won't even get past your knees. Then look at a picture of yourself from 10 years ago. "My God, I was starving to death!" Exactly.

So answer nature's call and hit the buffet, then hit it again, then have a little talk with Ben and Jerry when you get home.

Lose hair. And you thought gaining weight was easy.

Forget those hair growth treatments and face baldness the old-fashioned way: with a comb-over. Just grow your hair about a foot long on one side and comb it over to the other. Get creative. You can swirl it in circles, you can create a waterfall or a swan or even a poodle. And don't let your receding mane get you down. While Mother Nature takes the hair from your head, she will bless you beyond your wildest expectations in other places, like your back, your ears and your nose.

There you have some suggestions for a successful New Year. In parting, here are a few more:

Take up smoking.

Spend less time with your in-laws.

Raise your cholesterol level.

Read less.

See how long you can go without bathing.

Answer all your spouse's questions with "What-EVER!"

Phil Perrier is a stand-up comic and a free-lance writer.

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