There could be even more Oscars awarded tonight

March 25, 2001|By Phil Perrier

LOS ANGELES -- In this year's effort to lengthen the Academy Awards ceremony to six hours, new categories have been introduced. Here they are, along with uncanny predictions as to who will win:

Best Comeback-ending Performance: John Travolta. ("Battlefield Earth") A science-fiction epic based on a book by L. Ron Hubbard. What could go wrong?

Best Director ... Who is Married to Madonna: Guy Richie. OK, so "Snatch" tanked and nobody ever saw his first movie, but around the house he's still No. 1. But then "Who's That Girl" and "Shanghai Surprise" are not that hard to beat.

Best Dressed: Geena Davis. At least, we think it's a dress.

Best Performance in Two Incredibly Bad Movies in the Same Year: Richard Gere. He was an American gigolo and an officer and a gentleman; he's even hung out with a pretty woman. But in the past year he has shown his acting range can be bad.

First, Mr. Gere and Winona Rider almost single-handedly took the fun out of both autumn and New York; then he and Shelley Long (brilliant casting) among others, teamed up for the steaming pile of filmmaking known as "Dr. T. and the Women." Frankly, Mr. T. could have turned in a better performance.

Best Leading Actress about to Have a Failed Sitcom: Sandra Bullock. On the precipice of being America's sweetheart for longer than Richard Simmons. She's pretty, she's smart, she's funny and when it comes to picking scripts, apparently she takes advice from Satan. She is one "Speed" sequel away from her own half-hour yuck fest on Fox. What do you want to bet it will be called "Sandra"?

Most Performances of the Same Character by an Actor: Keanu Reeves. The much-deserved trophy goes to him for playing the same brain dead surfer dude in every film he's ever appeared in. And he wants to do Shakespeare; "To be ... or, like, totally ... not to be!"

The Lucky Dude Award: Michael Douglas. The man who gave us "Basic Instinct" gets it for being the oldest rich guy in Hollywood to marry someone way younger. Presenting the award will be Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Best Actor to Make a Career of Imitating Jack Nicholson: Christian Slater. He will not attend because he will be sitting courtside at an L.A. Clipper hockey game.

Best Performance of Elvis by a Former Superstar: Kevin Costner. Okay, Kevin, the joke is over, ("Waterworld"? "The Postman"? "3000 Miles to Graceland"?) you got us. You can come back now.

Best Performance by an Old English Lady in a Movie No One Has Seen: Judy Dench. Pick a movie.

The "Lets Give Tom Hanks an Award" Award: Tom Hanks. OK, so maybe "Cast Away" was not as good as some of his earlier work, union rules state that Tom Hanks must win an award at every award ceremony in the free world.

Best Movie ... Even Though It's a TV Show: "The Sopranos." Any given episode is better than 99 percent of the movies Hollywood is producing today.

Phil Perrier is a stand-up comic and a free-lance writer who lives in Los Angeles.

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