Eminem: Behind the Muzak

Satire: The story of Eminem, child rapper, starring Marshall Mathers as the Beav, told here for the first time.

March 12, 2001|By Rob Hiaasen | Rob Hiaasen,SUN STAFF

"Even as a child, young Marshall exhibited a unique storytelling style."

- Sarah Giles, Marshall Mathers' third-grade teacher

Immediately after having the future rap star Eminem in her Detroit classroom, Sarah Giles retired from teaching. Officially, she cited "burnout" as the reason for her retirement at the age of 22.

But recently released school records indicate Ms. Giles was "troubled" by the first songwriting efforts of young Marshall Mathers.

Responding to media requests, school administrators have agreed to release some of Mathers' schoolwork - which, since 1980, has been the property of the FBI's Behavioral Sciences Unit. In what became a precursor to his critically acclaimed hit "My Name Is," Mathers wrote his first song - "My Homeroom Is" - on Valentine's Day in third grade. ("Mathers chose not to participate in the exchange of Valentine cards," school records show.)

Hi! My homeroom is (what?) My homeroom is (what?)

Can I have the attention of the class?

Kids! Do you like my no-nap rap?

Wanna see me stick a Chee-to up my nose?

Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?

My teacher wanted to flunk me in first grade

So I stapled her hand to a stack of papers (Owwwww!)

Didn't get no Valentine cards but you be getting yours (yeah?)

Stop the tape! This kid needs to be locked away.

The young boy was referred to the school's guidance counselor, records show. In an effort to encourage his interest in music, Mathers was praised for his originality and initiative. But despite Ms. Giles' plea to have Mathers evaluated in an institutional setting, the student was returned to the classroom.

He also returned to songwriting. A school janitor found these budding lyrics stapled to one of Mathers' little friends' hand:

`Annoy You'

Oh, I'm going to annoy you ...

Spit on your lunch, Captain Crunch you (ahhhhh!)

I'm-a-going to pull my eyelids out

Till the little girls pass out

Oh, I'm going to annoy you ...

The gym teacher is a dope (climb your own rope)

Don't stand for no sit-ups (tell him to shut up)

Yo, yo, yo, yo, listen

I got your Detroit piston (right here!)

Just try to offend me, suspend me.

You ain't got the tater tots to fight me, frighten me.

Oh, I'm going to annoy you ... .(repeat chorus)

School officials, in consultation with the Michigan Department of Health and Human Services, decided to keep Mathers in a classroom situation but did craft a preliminary 220-page report. (Ms. Giles was referred to a guidance counselor.) Excerpts of "The Mathers Report" were made available to the media." ... Marshall does show an aptitude for rhythm. His songwriting has also shown improvement. In previous efforts, Marshall never thought to repeat the chorus ..."" ... While it's been suggested by the psychiatric community that Marshall be institutionalized, we, as school administrators, strongly believe that his involuntary commitment would only upset Marshall and stifle his creativity ... "" ... When interviewed, Marshall's parents shared their concern over their son's habit of building obscene Lego creations ..."

Mathers was allowed to rejoin his classmates in time for their end-of-the-year party. Initially hesitant, officials decided to allow Marshall to write a graduation song. Marshall showed newfound enthusiasm and dedication toward this school assignment. He even performed his new song before anxious classmates and teachers:

Why do birds suddenly appear

Every time you are near?

Just like me, they long to be

Close to you.

Why do stars fall down from the sky

Every time you walk by?

Just like me, they long to be

Close to you ...

After this performance, school officials immediately suspended Marshall Mathers and unanimously recommended he undergo psychiatric evaluation.

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