WANT TO WIN the scariest costume award at your Halloween party tomorrow night? No problem. Just go dressed as the Ravens' offense.
You can either make yourself invisible or dangle a miniature end zone from the front brim of your hat and go around trying and failing to reach it.
Either way, it's a lot scarier than a George Dubya mask or a "Clinton: Four More Years" poster or anything your friends might dream up.
With its mind-boggling touchdown-less streak now at five games, 20 quarters and 58 possessions, the Ravens' offense has been renamed "The Billick Witch Project."
It was off to a fine start earlier in the season, but now, chillingly, no one has heard from it in weeks and all anyone can find are the smoking embers of Tony Banks' career and a few strands from Trent Dilfer's goatee.
Scary stuff. Meanwhile, the Ravens have gone so long without a touchdown that their most recent score is now being shown on the History Channel.
Alarmingly, if the touchdown-less streak lasts another week, through Sunday's game in Cincinnati, it will officially span two United States presidential eras.
If the Ravens go much longer without scoring a touchdown, no one is going to remember the last one they scored. In fact, who remembers it now? (Cue the old-timer sitting on a porch with a straw in his mouth, saying, "Sure, I remember when the Ravens last scored a touchdown. A gallon of milk cost a nickel!")
Five games. Twenty quarters. Fifty-eight possessions.
"To me, it's kind of unbelievable," veteran offensive tackle Harry Swayne said after yesterday's 9-6 loss to the Steelers. "I've played a lot of offensive football, but it's kind of almost hard to not score" at least one touchdown in five games.
Translation: We're to the point now that what the Ravens are doing is almost impossible, not unlike playing in 2,632 consecutive baseball games without once taking a bone-breaking pitch off the wrist.
At least once in 58 possessions, you'd think, an opposing safety would fall down or a linebacker would misread his keys or a defensive coordinator would get stuck in an elevator, easing the path to paydirt.
At least once in all those possessions, you'd think, someone on the Ravens' offense would break loose for a big play and no one would tackle him.
"I remember when I used to score 10 or 14 points a game myself," tight end Shannon Sharpe said wistfully yesterday.
Ten or 14? Shoot, just two years ago, Ravens coach Brian Billick operated the highest-scoring offense in NFL history as Minnesota's offensive coordinator, his pinball-style attack earning him a reputation as an offensive guru.
Now? The guru needs the league office to lower the pitcher's mound or let the Ravens hit with metal bats or something. Anything to help an offense that's only getting worse.
Dilfer, making his first start in place of the error-prone Banks, actually started well yesterday, smartly moving the Ravens from their 23 to the Steelers' 9 on the game's opening drive. But then he did exactly what he was brought in not to do: He made a mistake in the red zone. His fumble of a third-down snap left the Ravens with no points and a sellout crowd mumbling, "Here we go again."
Dilfer never moved the offense within 23 yards of the end zone for the rest of the game.
And when the offense did reach a fourth-and-six at the Steelers' 33 midway through the fourth quarter, Billick elected to punt rather than let Matt Stover try a game-tying, 50-yard field goal against the wind, even though Stover had already made kicks of 51 and 49 yards with the wind at his back.
Stover took the heat, saying he told Billick the kick was outside his range, but whatever happened to a coach saying, "Darn it, go out there and do better than you think you can"?
Oh, well, it never should have come down to that, not when the Ravens' magnificent defense yielded only one touchdown for the third straight week, yet left the field sharing a three-game losing streak with the inept offense.
"It's hard to look them in the eye," Sharpe said of his defensive teammates. "It's hard to look anyone in the eye. We're just not very good on offense right now."
Right now, no question. And what about ever? That's the issue now, it seems. Five games without a touchdown is too long to be dismissed as a slump. One game, sure. Two, even three, perhaps. But five? That's too long. That's not a slump, that's a reflection, a suggestion about the Ravens that no one wants to hear:
Maybe they just aren't very good on offense.
Even with Billick, Sharpe, Qadry Ismail, Jermaine Lewis, Jonathan Ogden and rookie runner Jamal Lewis, who looked good again yesterday, maybe the offense just isn't what so many thought it would be. No matter who is playing quarterback.
Maybe it's going to take until next season to put together an offense to go with the defense.
Oh, sure, the schedule is soft and things finally get easier next week after three straight games against tough defenses. If the offense can't score a touchdown against the poor-sister Bengals, forget the playoffs.
"If we can't score a touchdown, we aren't going anywhere," Sharpe said.
And even when they do score a touchdown, if they ever do, will they ever be the same this season after such a frightful October?
