"What is this?"
That's how it starts. You're cable-surfing and land on a slick kitchen set where samurai chefs wielding machetes hack heads off live carp, wrestle thrashing squid and dice endangered abalone, as tuxedoed commentators excitedly give the play-by-play in B-movie-dubbed English.
"What's he doing over there?" an off-camera observer may ask in eager, inquisitive tones. Or an on-the-floor reporter anxiously signals to an announcer, "Fukui-san, Fukui-san, Bobby just added squid ink!"
For one frenzied, dangerous, incredulous hour, two chefs go knife to knife against the clock, boiling, baking, steaming and sautM-iing the "theme ingredient" - it could be foie gras or it could be plain white rice - into an elaborate, five-course meal.
A panel of celebrity judges that usually includes a gushing actress taste each course then offer comments - "I feel like I'm floating on a cloud" is typical hyperbole - and declare the winner. The prize? Not a measly $1 million, but "face," a much more valuable commodity in honor-bound Japan.
You're glued to the screen. This is hilarious and it's touching. It's haute camp cuisine, and unlike any show, let alone any cooking show, you've ever seen. What is this?
Overnight you, too, are an "Iron Chef" acolyte, watching the late-night Food Network program in a required ritual with roommates, family and friends. Of course you tape it when out of town, something you haven't done since "Twin Peaks" was around. Such viewing habits have made "Iron Chef" the Food Network's second highest-rated show, behind "Emeril Live!" with New Orleans restaurateur Emeril Lagasse.
Soon, you're also an insatiable collector of "Iron Chef" trivia, trolling Web sites that detail program highlights and subscribing to online mailing lists laden with behind-the-scenes gossip.
You're now an authority on the wisdom of not dubbing the dramatic pronouncements of Chairman Takeshi Kaga, the flamboyant millionaire proprietor of the Kitchen Stadium and the show's only actor. You know the temperament and idiosyncrasies of each of the four noble chefs who rule the Kitchen Stadium - Iron Chef Japanese, Iron Chef Chinese, Iron Chef Italian, Iron Chef French - and you've acquired a soft spot for one of them.
