Census 2000.

March 20, 2000|By ROB HIAASEN

Welcome to your United States Census 2000. This is the unofficial form for all people at this address. It is quick and easy and silly, and your answers are protected by law. Complete the Census and help your community get what it needs -- today and in the future!

START HERE. Please use a black or blue pen or one of those Milky pens elementary school kids use.

1. How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2000?

(number of people)

Include in this number:

People staying here on April 1, 2000, even though you had politely asked them to leave by March 1, 2000.

People living here most of the time while working, even if they have another place to live and always leave their dirty socks lying around.

People still living here despite your changing the locks.

Do not include in this number:

College students living away while attending college and making more money from their Internet start-up companies than you will see in your meaningless life.

People in a correctional facility, nursing home or mental hospital since you will be moving to an undisclosed location prior to their release.

People claiming to have invented Harry Potter.

2. Is this house, apartment or mobile home -- (Mark one box.)

Owned by you or someone in this household?

Owned by someone in the Tribune Co.?

Owned by your cat, who allows you to visit from time to time?

3. Please answer the following questions for each person living in this house. Start with the person who is the tallest. We will refer to this person as Tall Person 1. What is this person's name?

4. What is Tall Person 1's sex? (Mark one box.)

Male.

Female

Woefully infrequent.

5. Is Tall Person 1: Spanish/Hispanic/white/African American/American Indian/Mexican American/Norwegian American/Chicano/Filipino/Cuban/Puerto Rican/a Steely Dan fan/still in an NCAA Tournament pool? (Mark at least six choices.)

6. What is Tall Person 1's salary?

Beyond the realm of mathematical computation.

Roughly the same as when you asked 10 years ago.

The amount of a college student's Internet salary -- divided by 6.

7. What is Tall Person 1's favorite Dixie Chick? (Mark one box.)

Natalie.

Martie.

Emily.

None of the above -- Helen Reddy still rules!

8. Are those your final answers?

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