And who will be at your table today?

November 25, 1999|By Kevin Cowherd

SITTING DOWN to Thanksgiving dinner with:

Texas Gov. George W. Bush: "Well, this is just grand! All of us gathered for this wonderful feast, all the nationalities, Irelanders and Italianates, Grecians and Germanics, Ethiopiates and Japanesers, but all of us Americans first.

"Folks keep askin' me: `Dubya, why you wanna run for president?' 'Cause I can do the job. Yes, sir. This ol' boy can do lots of things.

"This dinner, for instance. Cooked it myself. The turkey - Roasted it 4-plus hours at 325 degrees Fahrenheit. Made the giblets gravy, too, in a 3-quart saucepan over high heat. Serves 15, plus the five or six homeless people currently being fed in our pantry. What compassionate conservatism's all about, my friend.

"I know these things like I know the president of Croatia, Franjo Tudjman, or the prime minister of Bulgaria, who as everyone knows, is Ivan Kostov, or the leader of North Korea, Mr. Kim.

"But, listen to me go on and on. Y'all help yourselves to some grub while I explain my position paper on the tax deficit . . ."

Calista Flockhart, Fox-TV's "Ally McBeal":

"Some turkey, Calista?"

"Heavens, no! I'd swell up like a defensive tackle."

"At least have some of this wonderful stuffing."

"No, thanks."

"Peas?"

"Please. Five or six."

"A dinner roll?"

"Half. No butter."

"Asparagus, Calista?"

"Just the stalks. Who do I look like, that pig Courteney Cox?"

"Corn?"

"A spoonful. Oooh, that scale will be screaming at me tomorrow: `86 pounds! 86 pounds!' "

"There you are, dear. Well, everybody, dig in."

"I hope we're hitting the gym after this."

First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton: "When I was growing up in Illinois - even then I was the biggest Yankees fan - I had a dream.

"Someday," I thought, "I'm going to celebrate Thanksgiving with my people, real New Yorkers.

"And here I am, in Chappaqua or however you pronounce it. Fuhgeddaboutit, right? Yo,

sweetie, you with the brown hair, pass the [bleeping] mashed potatoes, OK? I'm not getting any younger over here!

"But I do so love this state. I have traveled its length and breadth and listened to its people, from Potsdam to Poughkeepsie, from Cazenovia to Coney Island, from Elmira to . . . oh, help me out, I'm drawing a blank here! That silly island with the Statue of Whatchamacallit?

"Hey, fatso, save some gravy for the rest of us, alright? You need gravy like Bill needs Viagra.

"How 'bout the Knicks, huh? We got any Knicks fans here? They get themselves a [bleeping] power forward, they could do something this season.

"Yo, honey, any chance of seeing the cranberry sauce in this millennium? What are you doing, laps in that dish? C'mon, c'mon, before I die, OK?"

Trash TV hostess Jenny Jones: "Welcome to another Sordid Thanksgiving Supper. Before we begin, I want to introduce our guests.

"First, to my right, is Debbie. Debbie has been married for two years and is convinced that her husband has been cheating on her - with her best friend! (Boos.) Debbie, welcome. Try some of the sweet potatoes."

"Thanks, Jenny."

"Next, over here we have Brenda. Brenda lives with Ike, the gentleman to her left, and is six months pregnant. The question is: Is it Ike's baby or the baby of Ike's 16-year-old son, Adrian, who Brenda has also had sex with?! (Hisses.)

"Across the table is Patti, whose teen-age son Brian is so out of control he's stolen just about every valuable in the house, including the family's big-screen TV and VCR!

"By the way, after dessert - I think it's pumpkin and mince pie, although don't hold me to it - Ike has agreed to take a paternity test to determine whether he's really the father of Brenda's baby.

"So stay with us, folks. We'll be right back."

"60 Minutes" reporter Mike Wallace:

"The turkey is excellent."

"Thanks, Mike."

"But I'm confused. Didn't you tell me you basted the turkey every 20 minutes as recommended?"

"That's right."

Wallace opens his eyes wide in astonishment.

"But when you went to the restroom a moment ago, I fished this out of your trash: the turkey's wrapping with the word `self-basting' clearly displayed on one side."

"Well, I . . ."

"Look at this monitor. We had a hidden camera in your kitchen four hours ago. And there you are unwrapping what is clearly a 20-pound self-basting turkey! Well?"

"Mike, I can explain. But can we turn off the camera now?"

"First let's talk about these, ahem, homemade creamed onions . . ."

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