Putting Up the Dog

New York: Owners learn to lie, beg and fudge their pets' weight when seeking a hotel. Ask the right questions in the right places and you can be sitting pretty.

* New York sidewalks are crowded. Choose side streets where possible.

* Zero-tolerance requires that you curb your dog. We were told that some New Yorkers will cheerfully rat you out for failure to do this.

Dining: If you want to eat with your dogs, room service is your best bet. The Soho Grand has 24-hour room service for its human, canine and feline guests.

Lodging:

* The Soho Grand, 310 W. Broadway. For reservations, call 212-965-3000 or 800-965-3000. Single/double rates range from $334 to $534.

There are a number of guide books for those who travel with pets, including the AAA guides. Several luxury hotels in New York say they take pets, in-cluding the Carlyle, the Four Seasons and the Plaza. But always always check to make sure the information on pets is current. Folks with big dogs should be wary of places that advertise they take pets "with some restrictions" -- the restrictions are often size and weight limits.

Finally, don't assume a hotel doesn't take pets just because it's not listed. We had to attend a conference in a luxury hotel, and I called the concierge to find a dog-friendly hotel within walking distance, only to find they would accommodate our dogs for $25 per dog per night.

AN IDEAL DAY

7 a.m.: Sit on mother's head until she gets up and takes you out for your first walk of the day.

8 a.m.: Enjoy a refreshing drink from the hotel toilet bowl.

9 a.m.: While mother is in health club, get your sister to distract father, steal bagel from his room service breakfast.

10 a.m.: Time for another walk! Cast coy glances at concierge until he gives up a rawhide treat.

11 a.m.: Soho smells so different from Cold Spring Lane. Make sure you smell every square inch of it.

Noon: Two words: Hot-dog stand. Is this a great city, or what?

1 p.m.-3 p.m.: Return to room for long nap, resting up for next assault on city streets.

4 p.m.: Attempt to bribe a cab driver for tour of the city. Lie and say you're a service dog.

7:30 p.m.: Dinner in the room. Remember, anything on the floor is fair game. And, if you play your cards right, anything can end up on the floor.

8 p.m.: Howl mournfully for up to 30 seconds when parents leave you in the room, presumably to tour the city's species-discriminating night spots.

11 p.m.: One more turn around the basketball court. Laugh to self as you remember the old Jerry Seinfeld routine about what aliens would infer from our culture if they saw what humans beings have to do when they walk dogs.

-- Spike Roll