"I'll change the name [of the city] to `Funkytown' and declare war on Nebraska. I'll crack down on fat guys in tank tops. I'll cut taxes, and your lawn, too."
With those solemn words, Reagan Warfield declared his availability as a candidate for mayor of Baltimore -- if anyone out there wants him.
Warfield was one of several people to respond to The Sun's tongue-in-cheek search for someone willing to be drafted as a mayoral candidate by the Annapolis gang that has failed to convince Kweisi Mfume and Bishop L. Robinson to run. We asked them to tell us their qualifications, and we'd let would-be kingmakers William Donald Schaefer and Rep. Howard P. Rawlings know of their availability.
Well, as of Friday, we sent their resumes Schaefer's way. We hope he got a look at them over the holiday weekend, because today is the last day to file for the mayor's race.
Now, like Warfield, some of the potential candidates may face a few obstacles.
He's just 18 years old, for one thing, and he currently resides in Glen Burnie. But such difficulties certainly have not daunted the drafters so far.
So before the filing deadline comes and goes, here are the names and self-described qualifications (and demands) of a few folks ready to be Baltimore's next mayor. Some serious, some not.
As with those already in the race, you, the voters, will have to decide which is which.
Candidate: Reagan Warfield, 18, Glen Burnie. Communications major at Loyola College, summer intern at Stanton Communications
Statement: "Look deep within yourself and find a place that is full of power, strength and confidence. Now call that place Reagan. I can eat my own weight in waffles. I'm 90 percent perspiration, 10 percent sass.
"When the going gets tough, I take a nap. I'm a people person, as long as those people are very attractive. Four out of five doctors recommend me. Single-handedly responsible for the fall of communism, I'm a hunky teen idol. I am the next Mayor McCheese. I'll change the name to `Funkytown' and declare war on Nebraska. I'll crack down on fat guys in tank tops. I'll cut taxes, and your lawn, too. Reagan Warfield: `Kid-Tested, Mother-Approved.' "
Candidate: George "Keep It Klean" Kukoly, 63, Baltimore. Retired engineer; now works as a hardware salesman. Married, no children.
Statement: "I have never been a politician, never tried to be one and if I am elected mayor of Baltimore I promise that I will not be one. ... I promise to be a statesman! I do not need a pay raise, nor do I need any of my qualifications changed either by law or by omission. My life has always been based on honesty and concern for my fellow men. ...
"My record is clean as I do not use drugs or inhale drugs. I do enjoy a bourbon on occasion. My marriage [of 37 years] has always been stable. I promise not to play around with aides during or after working hours, as some politicians have been known to do.
"I know I sound boring, but, hey, do you want someone to do the job or someone flamboyant ... not doing the needed work and alienating the people who pay his salary?"
Candidates: William A. Guthrie, 63, and Alice E. Guthrie, 59, Baltimore (aka "Bill and Al"). Retired, eight children, 12 grandchildren
Statement: "Vote for US, Baltimore. He said: `I can do it.' She said: `I can do it.' Baltimore: Together we can all do it. Of the people ... by the people ... for the people."
Candidate: Janet Freedman, 53, Baltimore. Administrator, Johns Hopkins University; master's degree in liberal arts. Mother of two
Statement: "I would redefine Baltimore as a destination city, emphasizing not only the harbor and the Convention Center but the untapped resources of our rich historical past. Baltimore is a city of importance in the story of America and has retained many architectural treasures that could be centerpieces in such a development plan.
"This approach would expand a clean industry, creating a significant number of new jobs. Additionally, I would renew the homesteading plan and/or developer tax breaks to repopulate Baltimore with tax-paying citizens, the monies being used for improved schools, parks and services. And I would prosecute litterers."
Candidate: Gerald Ben Shargel, 63, Reisterstown (could move to Baltimore by winter). Hand-lettered sign maker, married 35 years, one daughter, two grandchildren
Statement: "I'm willing to be drafted as a candidate for Baltimore's mayor. I don't sell out cheaply -- but I can be bought for the right price.
"And what's more, when I get bought I stay bought.
"No chance I'd let my conscience determine how I would vote in situations where the financial vested interests who will finance my campaign conflict with the public interest (as they inevitably will). A good slave stays loyal to his master!"
Candidate: Dan Collins, 36, Owings Mills (born and raised in Baltimore). Publicist, Mercy Medical Center; former self-declared candidate for baseball commissioner