The Essence of Etiquette

Harriette Cole learned good behavior in a demanding, respectful Baltimore family. She translates those lessons into 'How to Be," a manners book especially for African-Americans.

When Harriette Cole was a mischievous little girl, her mother, Doris, perfected the Look -- the one that kept her in line and meant business. The Look said it all.

Chile, you'd better act right!

It has stayed with Harriette Cole to this day.

Her new book, "How to Be: Contemporary Etiquette for African Americans" (Simon & Schuster) captures the spirit of her mother's basic lesson: slow down, breathe in and act like you've got some sense.

To be sure, "How to Be" is not an Emily Post or Amy Vanderbilt manual dedicated to parlor-room table manners or polishing the silver tea service.

Instead, the elegant 37-year-old Baltimore native says her new book was written as a "guide for conscious living for black folks."

"It's our responsibility as African-Americans to embrace each other," Cole says, "and treat ourselves and others with respect."

While "How to Be" is marketed as an African-American etiquette guide, "it's a book that everyone can use," Cole says. "I recommend that people from all ethnic backgrounds read and use it. At the same time, there are many sensitive issues that face people of African descent like racial tension and discrimination.

"It is important that we all begin discussing in a respectful way things that are holding people back," she adds. "So many black people were taught basic home training while growing up, but we all need a few reminders now and then."

So "How to Be" offers potent advice for everyone on: moving up the corporate ladder, starting a family, traveling, dressing properly for work and other rules for daily living.

But Cole also peppers her text with modern-day dilemmas: how to handle it when a loved one is in jail, how to deal with the police if you're pulled over, how to bring a white date home to meet the parents, when to give money to the homeless and understanding "C.P." (Colored People's) time.

She also takes on plastic surgery, lactose intolerance and dealing with an ex who wants to dabble in romance after the relationship has cooled.

Bringing message home

Cole -- a former Essence magazine editor, writer of the best-selling "Jumping the Broom," wedding guides and daughter of the late Harry L. Cole, Maryland's first black state senator and first black Court of Appeals judge -- recently brought her home-spun message back to Baltimore when she spoke before a capacity crowd of 400 at the Enoch Pratt library.