It's Valentine's Day -- no time to leave your horoscope to some far-off syndicated seer to divine. Herewith, our own staff stargazer offers his untrained but heartfelt take on what in heaven is in store for you:
Rob Hiaasen's Real (Bad) Astrology
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are entering a highly artistic period. Co-workers appreciate your creativity and staggering contributions -- although privately they still detest you on numerous grounds. But beware, Aquarian: While you soar creatively, remember to occasionally change your socks.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Letting a co-worker in on family issues brings a new friend into your life. And what a strapping, playful friend he is! How lucky you are, Pisces, to have such a friend befriend your spouse. Use your newfound time alone to shepherd your psychic energy or to drink heavily.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Special training brings you into contact with new love interests. As you patrol AOL chat rooms, you beguile potential romantic partners with such witticisms as, "So, were you ever a cheerleader?"
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Your smoldering dementia is no longer viewed as quirky. Your habit of writing grocery lists on your arms with a blue Bic now serves only to alarm the cashiers at Mars. Take a long nap, but first leave the store. To recap: Leave Mars, take nap.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your right brain is ready to burst! Be impulsive! Relearn cursive writing. Move directly across the street so you can watch your old home. Write your wife a love letter (remembering to correctly spell her first name). Adopt a tapir or any other of the hoofed, hoglike mammals of tropical America.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): Your left brain is ready to burst! Be boring! Renew your subscription to TV Guide. Drive on the right side of the road. Refrain from playing "Twister" inside Penn Station. Maintain a strict Saturday-Sunday weekend
schedule. Watch Dan Rather.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Your beloved Jupiterian expansiveness has hurt you. In a moment of cosmic depravity, you enter a highly artistic avenue called Biscayne Boulevard in Miami, where undercover police officers charge you with solicitation -- which is not a zodiac sign. Hang tough, Leo.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Time to set new fitness goals. Your inner voice speaks the truth, even if you don't want to hear it: You resemble a tapir or any other of the hoofed, hoglike mammals of tropical America. Friends and family concur.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Ideas are brewing for a career change. Explore options. Then resign as head of orthopedic surgery at Johns Hopkins so you can follow your dream and open a discount hubcap emporium in Cumberland. Don't wait, Libra.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Let me tell you a little story, Scorp. Once upon a time, a misinformed Libran left a lucrative medical career to pursue a job in the hubcap industry. He died bankrupt and very alone.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A playful mood at home is misinterpreted as your 1-900 phone call to an ex-girlfriend ignites an argument between you and your spouse. But work couldn't be better. Treat yourself to a massage.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Be more attentive to your inner self. Consider your recurring dream: Albert Belle is treating you to a massage. Trust your feelings, Capricorn, and let your heart lead the way.
If today is your birthday, stay home.