Be careful whom you ask to your holiday feast

November 26, 1998|By KEVIN COWHERD

SITTING DOWN to Thanksgiving dinner with ...

Martha Stewart: "Welcome! Before we partake of this wonderful meal, I'd like to ... please don't touch that. That's a Venetian print tablecloth with Victorian-style gold-thread trim. If you could just keep your hands above the table, like so.

"Anyway, I'd like to ... you there, did you move that wine glass? The wine glass is supposed to be here. Move it back, please. Yes, right now.

"First, good news! The 'Martha Stewart Living' TV program is now on five days a week. Check local listings for air time. Also, I'm pleased to announce we can now offer you Martha Stewart Living magazine at 42 percent off the cover price -- just $26 for a full year!

"What else? Martha By Mail is still available on the Web, of course, at And don't forget our signature line of Martha Stewart linens and bath accessories available exclusively at K-Mart.

"How many of you knew that? Excellent!

"Yes, yes, we'll be eating in just a moment ... let me now mention my book 'Entertaining with Martha Stewart.' Available in softcover for $24.95, plus shipping and handling, this classic includes more than 300 recipes and ..."

Jerry Springer (Wild applause, whoops, chants of JERR-EE! JERR-EE!): "Another Thanksgiving dinner and we've got a wild one for you, folks!

"Imagine this: You're married 10 years -- happily, or so you think. Then you find out your wife is leaving you for -- are you ready? -- her girlfriend!

(Hisses, boos.)

"Today's topic: Honey, I'm Dumping You! Let me introduce our first guest. On this side of the table, over by the mushroom stuffing, is Nadine. Nadine has a big, big secret!


"In a moment, we'll bring out Nadine's husband, Rick. Rick's in the kitchen right now, stirring the giblets gravy. But he's about to receive the shock of his life!

"Then after Nadine unburdens herself to Rick, we'll bring out Nadine's lover, Michelle, who's in the living room nibbling on a platter of hors d'oeuvres. When Rick sees Michelle, the sparks are sure to fly!

"And in the midst of all this, we're going to try to eat a traditional turkey dinner with all the trimmings!

"So stay with us, we'll be right back after this!"

Dr. Jack Kevorkian: "Thankful? Hah! A man of medicine can't even administer a lethal injection without the authorities butting their noses in, and yet we celebrate a day of gluttonous behavior, false piety and bad football games on TV.

"I ask you: What is the sense of enduring all this?

"Look at our friend here, the turkey, splayed on that platter. Headless, yes, and neckless, too, but so serene. His suffering is over.

"But your suffering and mine goes on. And for what? For the desiccated flesh of a hopelessly addled game bird? For Dallas 10, Detroit 3?

"Perhaps after dessert, you'll accompany me to my garage, where two clear plastic lines extend from the tailgate of my Oldsmobile into the soft Corinthian leather interior, and the promise of sweet eternity awaits.

"But first, more coffee?"

Linda Tripp: "... and most of all, I'm thankful for a friend like you, Myrna. Oh, it's Marie? Myrna, Marie, what's the big deal? Please pass the biscuits.

"So how are things between you and your husband? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. And he doesn't suspect you're seeing someone else? Could you repeat that? Just lean forward, toward the candlestick.

"What else is going on in your life? You haven't paid your taxes? And you're afraid the IRS will get wind of it?

"Oh, they're terrible people, the IRS! Monsters, really. Jack-booted government thugs who ... um, how much exactly do you owe?

"Seventy-five grand? Speak up, please. Oh, you poor thing! I feel so bad for you! No, no creamed onions, thanks. They give me indigestion.

"But enough about me. Let's get back to you. A few weeks ago, you mentioned your husband had hooked up illegally to cable.

"Tell me more about that ..."

Andy Rooney: "You know a vegetable I could never understand? This one right here: peas.

"Does anybody really like peas? They're small, they're round, they won't stay on your fork.

"And squash is a funny food, isn't it? Squash! Look, I don't want to know how a vegetable is made. I just want to eat it.

"And mince pie is funny, too, isn't it? What's that -- a pie that's not manly?

"Broccoli can be funny, too ..."

Pub Date: 11/26/98

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