Engaging in a little wistful thinking Wealth: Life would take a decidedly different turn with Powerball dollars in your pockets.

July 30, 1998|By Arthur Hirsch | Arthur Hirsch,SUN STAFF

What's this, the alarm clock? 7:30 in the morning? What do I need with 7:30 in the morning? What do I need with the alarm clock? It goes off or it doesn't go off or it gets thrown out the window and replaced with something from a store I saw a few months ago in Aspen, where the window was decorated with watches that had cobalt blue faces circled with diamonds and I swear that the faces were looking at me saying: WE SEE YOU, MR. FIVE FIGURES! YOU'RE ONLY IN ASPEN AT PEAK SEASON BECAUSE YOU'RE ON A BUSINESS TRIP AND YOU CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT BUYING ANYTHING IN THIS STORE!! GO HOME, MR. LIBERAL ARTS MAJOR. GO WIND YOUR TIMEX!

Ha! This is another day: 7:30 in the morning says the clock, although that's probably wrong because it's a cheap clock I bought years ago in Hecht's or some such place. Doesn't matter. Wait a minute: what is supposed to matter? What the heck matters now that it's the morning after I won the Powerball lottery $250 million jackpot -- $10 million a year over 25 years or $137 million up front, about $80 million after taxes.

Whatever. They'll never see me at Hecht's again. And forget Macy's. Walk into Nordstrom and when three clerks -- excuse moi, sales representatives -- descend on me because I'm dressed like a guy out for a day's shoplifting, say "Here's $100, go see if the pianist knows anything by Alien Sex Fiend. And bring me some of those $65 stretch socks ..."

And forget buying off-brand cereals. "Crispy Rice"? What is "Crispy Rice" now? A sad relic of another era. Time to go absolutely, totally wild: Rice Krispies. Six bucks a box? Fine. Maybe I'll even get one of those honey-grain-nut cereals with, like, macadamias and walnuts and almonds and five kinds of dried fruit and 17 whole grains and enough riboflavin to make a dead man sit up. Twelve bucks a box. So be it.

And forget the Hair Cuttery. Sure, it's still $11. And you sit there for an hour reading Gel Monthly because they don't take appointments and the stylist is doing about 47 haircuts a day and if you catch her at the end of the shift she's exhausted and half out of her skull from inhaling mousse fumes and she gives you a haircut that makes you look like a guy living in a shack in Montana.

That was yesterday. Now. Now what?

Lots to do, that's what. When "Good Morning America" calls, tell them I think their show makes "Kukla, Fran and Ollie" look like Samuel Beckett. When "Today" calls, tell them I think Matt Lauer is a sweet guy who, with all due respect, should someday try reading a book all the way to the end. When Howard Stern calls, tell him since I don't have breasts for him to talk about is he sure he wants me as an in-studio guest when he could easily fill the time by telling another fascinating story about his bodily functions?

Lots to do. Gotta' call the office. Call in ... what? Call in rich.

"Uh, hey, look, I can't come in today because I suddenly have more money than Cuba ..." No. "Hey, look I can't come in today because I'm getting a facial. No, not a facial tissue. An actual facial involving blue mud and seaweed and a hot towel and one porcelain jar of stuff to open the pores and another to close them and I tip the woman 20 bucks for opening and closing my pores the way you'd tip a doorman. So I can't come in today."

So much to do. The state of Maine, after all, has about 2,000 miles of coastline and here it is already 7: 34 and I STILL DON'T OWN ONE INCH OF IT! And you just know that somewhere in Kentucky there's a distillery making batches of bourbon so small that they have to earn their entire year's profit on two cases and high-rollers wearing enormous Stetsons fly in from Reno to taste it and I STILL HAVEN'T BOUGHT ONE BOTTLE!

Avoid madness, make a list. Things to do today:

* Contact Realtor in Maine.

* Contact Realtor in Provence.

* Learn to speak French.

L * Learn to speak sailboat -- como se dice "luffing the jib"?

* Buy pound of Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee beans: $56.

* Buy lottery tickets.

Pub Date: 7/30/98

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