A Schaeferian Drama: Act III

July 27, 1998|By Laura Lippman

A quiet week in the comptroller's race. So quiet, that we contemplated taking Tom Horton's column and simply replacing every reference to shad with the name of comptroller candidate William Donald Schaefer. (It worked surprisingly well.)

Instead, we decided to examine the former governor's head -- not the inside, which scares us, but the outside. Here, we answer some pressing questions about Maryland's most famous pate.

Q: How big is Schaefer's head?

A: He wears a size 7 5/8, according to a 1992 interview with hat-maker Lou Boulmetis.

Q: What sort of hats did Boulmetis make for Schaefer?

A: Sherlock Holmes-style "deer stalker" caps.

Q: Why?

A: We don't know and we don't want to know.

Q: Is it true Schaefer's head has been compared to a melon?

A: Yes. A 1984 Esquire piece by Richard Ben Cramer refers to "the melon" twice in the first six paragraphs.

Q: But what type of melon?

A. Casaba, possibly a Crenshaw.

Q: How do you pick out a good Crenshaw, anyway?

A: Look for an unbruised fruit with yellow skin.

Q: Has Schaefer ever undergone trepanation, in which a hole is drilled in one's head in order to restore buoyancy?

A: Doubtful -- the treatment leaves a visible indentation.

This week in Schaefer history, July 26-Aug. 1, 1994: Now in his final months as governor, Schaefer declines to endorse any Democrat for his office and issues veiled warnings about Prince George's County Executive Parris N. Glendening. At the

Maryland Association's annual summer convention, The Sun reports, he "even half-kiddingly suggested that he might seek public office again, saying, 'I'm over running -- for the present.' "

Asked about his plummeting popularity statewide, he replies: "Horse manure."

Pub Date: 7/27/98

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