Viewer's guide to bimbos, brooms and B-1 bombers

PARSE. Proffer. Presidential kneepads.

Boy, keeping up with all the odd terminology in this Clinterngate thing has been tough -- and those are just the P-words.

Thanks to the saturation coverage of the President Clinton-Monica Lewinsky saga, though, I was starting to get the hang of it.

I knew the difference between suborn and subpoena, improper relations and bimbo eruptions.

But in recent days, a whole new vocabulary has sprung up all over the tube and in the papers.

Salchow.

Super G.

Short track.

Oh, what a muddle

It's those darn Winter Olympics.

Washington's steamy soap opera was just hitting its stride and the Nagano Games came along to muddle everything up.

I mean, I thought a running stone was what ABC newsman Sam Donaldson was calling the president's say-nothing-and-keep-moving defense. Turns out it's really that big pot roast-shaped piece of granite that slides across the ice in curling. (Hey, stop laughing -- those are real athletes with those brooms.)

Now, to make things even more confusing, U.S. troops are heading back to the Persian Gulf, and those Pentagon guys and TV "military analysts" are starting to throw out terms like "Scud" and "smart bomb" again.

Oh, for the simple days of just plain Bubbagate.

No sweat, you say. You'll just turn off the tube until March Madness gets here.

Hah!

We Americans spend more than seven hours channel-surfing on a typical day. You're going to cut back your viewing when figure skating, carpet bombing and a sex scandal are all on in prime time? Get real.

You can't avoid it, so you might as well be prepared. With this simple glossary, you'll have complete comprehension as you bounce from biathlon to Bimbogate to B-1 bombers.

Creepo: Our new epithet for Saddam Hussein? No, supposedly one of Ms. Lewinsky's pet names for Mr. Clinton.

Combined pursuit: This is a toughie. It could refer to the unholy alliance of Kenneth W. Starr and the bloodthirsty media as they go after anyone who's been anywhere near the Oval Office. But right now, it's a medal event in cross-country (yawn) skiing.

Full battle mode: We may be ready to get it on in Iraq, but this phrase describes instead the manner in which the first lady has girded herself to do battle with the "vast right-wing conspiracy." Not to be confused with her usual power suit.

Material breach: Much has been made of what might have happened to a dress the president may or may not have given Ms. Lewinsky. But this actually refers to Mr. Hussein's bad attitude about complying with U.N. resolutions.

lTC Prone target: Mr. Hussein? No. (And no, not Ms. Lewinsky -- cut that out!) It's what those wacky biathletes shoot at with those psychedelic-colored guns they pack around in the snow.

Sustained air campaign: Dude! This is not, like, what those snowboarders are doing when they go for the gold in the half-pipe. This is, like, what you use to turn Iraq back into Babylon.

Shredding: This, of course, was an act once made famous in a previous "-gate" (Iran-Contragate) during another "bimbo eruption" (that of Oliver L. North's secretary, Fawn Hall). While it might be something Mr. Clinton wishes would happen to White House visitor logs, for now all he can do is chill out and settle for the Olympic version -- snowboard racing.

Bummer, dude. Better luck in Iraq.

Michael Gray, features news editor of The Sun, advocates carpet bombing of the ballroom dancing scheduled to be a part of the 2000 Olympics.

Pub Date: 2/20/98