Movies the Girls might have made

January 29, 1998|By J.D. Considine

One of the running gags in "Spice World" features George Wendt as an American producer keen on getting the Spice Girls into a movie. So Wendt spends the film pitching idea after outlandish idea to the group's manager (Richard E. Grant), until he eventually sells Grant on the plot that is "Spice World."

Wacky, huh? But not as wacky as some of the ideas that weren't in the movie.

"The Spice of Music": Misfits in an Austrian convent just before World War II, the Spice Girls are hired as governesses by Baron Von Klapp-Trapp (Elton John) and inspire the Baron's three sons to form a swing band. But the forces of evil are on the march. Baby Spice's boyfriend (Brad Pitt) joins the Nazis, and swing is outlawed. Can girl power hold back Hitler long enough for everyone to reach Switzerland?

Upside: Hanson could play the Baron's boys.

Downside: Having Hanson and the Spice Girls fight Hitler might leave people rooting for the Nazis.

"Saturday Spice Fever": Sporty Spice plays a young lass in the north of England whose only release is dancing. One night, she and Scary Spice engage in a dance battle, end up friends and decide to enter a contest in London at the urging of the DJ (Elton John). There they meet three other girls -- Posh, Baby and Ginger Spice -- and find that they harmonize even better than they dance -- but will they win?

Upside: Plenty of excuses for singing and dancing.

Downside: Plenty of excuses for singing and dancing.

"This Is Spicy Tap": This mockumentary follows the career of a clueless, talentless Britpop group and its long-suffering manager (Elton John). We see Spicy Tap as the Motown-style Spicelettes; as glam rockers Scary Stardust and the Spicers from Mars; as the Spice Pistols; and as new romantics Girl Spice and the Cultured Club. Eventually, they learn to put their faith in girl power and show more cleavage.

Upside: Self-mocking humor.

Downside: Viewers might not realize it's a joke.

"Citizen Spice": It's 2025, and when tabloid publisher Rupert Kane (Robin Leach) dies, his cryptic last words before collapsing in his curry are, "The Spice Geh--"! His successor, Charles Foster Murdock (Elton John), tries to unravel the mystery and discovers Kane's obsession with five women (the Spice Girls) who had a singing group back in the '90s, until a medical examiner suggests the dead man was really trying to say, "The spice! Get me water!"

Upside: Meaty, dramatic roles for the Spices.

Downside: They'd have to learn to act.

Pub Date: 1/29/98

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