Tired of city living? Buy a moon unit now Parody: Where better to invest than in Earth's very own hunk of orbiting real estate? The view can't be beat, and the atmosphere is rarefied.

January 19, 1998|By Richard O'Mara

MEMO FROM: Clete Clevenger, Pres., A Home is Not a House Realtors, Inc.

TO: The Staff

RE: Carpe Diem!

So NASA's going back to the moon to look for water 25 years after Neil Armstrong first looked in on the place. It's about time!

That property's been sitting up there undeveloped for just too long. Maybe 4.6 billion years.

There it is, night after night, just staring the real estate profession in the face. What's it telling us? Come and get me! That's what.

It's enough to make any Realtor worth his salt check his date book and water at the mouth.

Go ahead, laugh. Who'd want to live on the moon, you ask? Lunatics? Ha, ha! Think of the commute: 238,970 miles. Ha, ha, ha!

That's what they said to Bill Levitt about Long Island. Who'd want to live on Long Island? Somebody did, didn't they?

And how many fortunes were made on land deals, sight unseen, in Florida? You tell me that. NASA's Lunar Prospector, launched Jan. 6, should be sending back information within a few weeks, it says in the papers. That doesn't give us much time. Marketing has to be mobilized.

Finding water, of course, would make the whole thing work. You gotta have water if you're going to have a lawn. Right?

It's a big challenge. But you know, as The Donald says in his new book in which he explains still again how he became a genius, the bigger the challenge the juicier the artichoke. Or something metaphorically deep like that.

Maybe Trump would be interested himself. He's certainly the sort of big-picture kind of guy with the grandiose, long-range kind of vision kind of thing. Why, it could be bigger than Columbia. And we could get a part of it.

Of course, there are a few obstacles. There are no comparables in that immediate part of the solar system. It's not even certain who owns the property, or if it's available. And there's no air.

But these are quibbles, nothing more. Quibbles and nits. These problems can be overcome. You gotta look up, keep your eyes on the skies!

It's almost certain that the iron laws of property that hold sway on Earth also hold true on the moon. Probably Mars and Pluto, too. Even Venus. Things like location, location, location.

Once the ownership thing has been settled, and the subdividing is all done, the necessary zoning variances obtained and the sewerage in, things would just naturally sort themselves out. Just like down here: There'd be good neighborhoods, and improving neighborhoods. There are no bad neighborhoods in the universe of real estate.

The more fashionable moon sites, no doubt, would probably all be on the near side, in the blue glow of the Earth-shine. Can you think of a more ideal place for retirement homes than the Sea of Tranquillity, or for seniors' communities? Just picture it: condos on the sand, placid as a pond, except for an occasional incoming meteorite.

But basically, no noise, no kids. No sound at all. Think serenity. Think Mare Tranquillitatis. Has a nice ring, that.

And what could be better for the newlyweds than a starter home on the Sea of Fertility? Big lots. Or a nice, radon-abated vacation bungalow on the shore of Lake Titicaca? (We're not talking Peru here, either.). A moon colonial or Cape Cod on the Sea of Clouds would be cozy, too, even if it doesn't offer much view-wise.

Of course, just like down here, there would be places on the moon you might want to avoid. The Sea of Crisis, for one. The Ocean of Storms. Maybe a couple of by-passes could be built. Maybe we could get federal money.

Why, this thing could be so big that maybe we ought to start recruiting new people right now. We could run an ad:

Find the career you've been looking for: Real Estate Sales.

We can have you prepared to take the real estate exam in just one month. Begin anytime.

State-approved, highly qualified instructors. Higher pass rate. FREE career counseling.

FREE post-license training. FREE information packet. Call today!

Bring your own air tank.

Pub Date: 1/19/98

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