For a show about nothing, there was always something about "Seinfeld." And that something was usually pretty funny.
Which makes Thursday's announcement that the show won't be coming back for a 10th season a pretty lousy Christmas present. What are people going to talk about around the water cooler Friday mornings?
The best thing to do now is simply pause and reflect. And so, in the spirit of public service (a notion Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer would certainly frown on), here are a few things to think about:
The 10 greatest "Seinfeld" moments (in no particular order): 1) Jerry recruits Elaine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) to spy on his new girlfriend (Teri Hatcher) and determine whether her breasts are real.
2) Kramer (Michael Richards), trying to make it in L.A., shows up on TV as Murphy Brown's secretary.
3) Elaine, suffering through a never-ending cocktail party, makes nonconversation with a guest: "Maybe the dingo ate your baby."
4) George (Jason Alexander) plays Trivial Pursuit with television's least-likable terminally ill child, the obnoxious Bubble Boy -- and becomes so enraged that he pops the bubble.
5) Jerry's "romance" with New York Met Keith Hernandez and the infamous "magic loogie" incident.
6) Kramer has seizures whenever he hears the voice of Mary Hart.
7) Jerry can't remember his girlfriend's name, only that it rhymes with a female body part.
8) George and Jerry are mistaken for homosexuals not that there's anything wrong with that.
9) Elaine, distraught to learn that her favorite birth-control device is no longer being made, separates her dates into two categories: spongeworthy and nonspongeworthy.
10) George, Jerry, Elaine and Kramer wager on who is really the master of their domain.
Ten things we'll miss most about "Seinfeld":
1) Elaine's appetite; she was always eating something when she dropped in on Jerry.
2) The back of George Steinbrenner's head; Lord knows, it was preferable to the front.
3) The Bizarro World. Whatever happened to those three polar opposites of Jerry, George and Kramer?
4) George as storyteller. Remember this masterpiece?: "The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli "
5) Big salads.
6) The local connection. Remember, Elaine grew up in Towson and remained an Oriole fan, even in the Big Apple.
7) The show's feel for New York.
8) Bob Balaban as the NBC executive who becomes so infatuated with Elaine that he joins Greenpeace to try to forget her.
9) Jerry's fastidiousness. Then again, would you feel comfortable eating pizza made by a guy who didn't wash his hands after using the bathroom?
10) Elaine's dancing. Only she could make the frug look graceful.
Five "Seinfeld" irritants that will no longer plague us:
1) Bania, the world's worst comic.
2) Mr. Pitt, one of Elaine's deranged bosses.
3) The parade of weak sitcoms NBC programmed around "Seinfeld." Let's see, there was "Boston Common," "The Single Guy," "Union Square." Urgh.
4) Mr. and Mrs. Costanza. This explains a lot about George
Three possible plot lines for the final episode of "Seinfeld"
1) Just as Jerry finishes buffing his newly waxed floor, Kramer comes bursting through the door and slides right out the window, plummeting to his death on the street below. His grieving friends start a new company, Cosmo Industries, and make a fortune selling only two products: The Bro, a bra for men, and books that can be made into coffee tables.
2) Elaine opens her own branch of the Arthur Murray Dance School, Jerry and George win Tonys for their Broadway revival of "The Odd Couple" and Kramer is elected mayor of New York. Riots break out when the Soup Nazi refuses to serve Al Sharpton.
3) George finally marries, his wife doesn't die from licking envelopes, and his character stops being funny. Jerry and Elaine marry, have a kid, and stop being funny. Kramer adopts Brooke Shields as his role model, and stops being funny. The name of the show is changed to "Suddenly Seinfeld."
Pub Date: 12/27/97