C'mon, Santa, get with it, these are the '90s

December 18, 1997|By Kevin Cowherd

To: S. Claus

From: William Morris Agency

Re: Updating your image


After an exhaustive personal and professional evaluation, as per your request, we've identified seven key areas, or "core growth elements" to work on:

Jazz up that wardrobe!

To William Morris, heavy red flannel says "Ho-hum," not "Ho-ho-ho!" And fur is out, out, out! Eighty-seven-year-old society matrons in Manhattan can get away with it; an international toy magnate can't.

The buzzword in fashion today: active-wear -- breathable, lightweight fabrics for people on the go.

Our suggestions:

For that hectic sleigh ride on the evening of 12/24: weatherproof Goretex shell, St. John's Bay nylon wind pants, Nike Max Triax running shoes for improved rooftop stability.

For day-to-day operations at the Workshop: a smart-looking Navy double-breasted blazer (blended 55 percent polyester Dacron, 45 percent worsted wool), heather charcoal slacks, Italian leather loafers.

Lose weight!

You are not a bad-looking man. But over the years, a diet rich in meats and gravies and a sedentary lifestyle have contributed to significant weight gain on your part.

So, let's get busy! A professional nutritionist can help you plan healthy, low-fat, high-fiber meals that don't have to taste like straw!

Also, is there a gym nearby? A personal trainer could target specific areas of concern (waistline, hips.) The gym may also have a sun-tanning facility.

A tanned and buffed Santa would certainly be a treat for your many millions of fans! Look what it's done for David Hasselhoff!

Personal grooming isn't just for anyone below the Arctic Circle!

This is our gentle way of saying: the scraggly beard must go!

May we suggest a small goatee and loop earring? Think Nicolas Cage at last year's Oscars ceremony.

Nick came to us shortly after shooting "Leaving Las Vegas." He was concerned about his unruly facial hair, which all but screamed "homeless."

Our make-over people said "goatee" and "an earring, but nothing too busy" and Nick has never looked back!

"Face/Off" goes on to do big box-office, "Con Air" more than holds it owns.

Coincidence? We think not!

A pipe? Puh-leeze!

To be honest, we prefer that our ICM clients eschew tobacco products altogether.

But if that's not possible, perhaps you'd consider something a little more now, such as a nice Macanudo Prince Phillip cigar.

Let's re-think the whole "down through the chimney quick, quick, quick" business!

As you know, people are increasingly security-conscious these days. A thud on the roof, a rustling in the fireplace, and the average person thinks: Where's my gun?

Many others protect themselves with Mace, pepper sprays and attack dogs.

Is there any way to simply knock on the front door and wait for the homeowner to let you in?

While this may be more time-consuming, we feel it would greatly lessen the potential of personal injury to all parties, as well as the threat of criminal charges and future litigation against you.

Nobody wins in a labor dispute!

In your fax, you mention workers at your toy-manufacturing facility receive "a rack and three squares a day."

This is all well and good. But is there a comprehensive employee health-care plan in place? Free employee parking? A generous 401(k) plan?

Is the building well-ventilated and well-lighted? Are there vending machines conveniently located on every other floor?

All contribute to a sense of employee well-being.

We don't mean to get PC on you, but!

In your fax, you refer to your employees as "elves."

Is this simply a term of endearment? If not, please study the International Workers with Disabilities Act. If a copy is not available, we will be happy to provide one at no extra charge.

Please let us know your thoughts.

Very truly yours, William Morris Agency

Pub Date: 12/18/97

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