'Hot single' credits his goatee, divorce Proposal: A Sun journalist offers an exclusive interview with himself for the 'true picture' of a man deemed one of the city's 'hottest singles.'

December 07, 1997|By Michael Gray

To: Mike Adams, Perspective editor

From: Michael Gray, ""Hot Single"

Re: Interview proposal

Dear Mike:

As you no doubt have heard by now, I've been named one of Baltimore's ""50 hottest singles" by Baltimore magazine. Clearly the magazine's research was not terribly exhaustive, but who am I to argue?

Anyway, I guess this means that for the next 15 minutes or so, I am a celebrity of sorts. And as you know, there is nothing readers hunger for more these days than interviews with celebrities. So I thought I'd offer you an exclusive interview with me on what it's like being so hot and so single.

Of course, as I'm sure you read recently in the Wall Street Journal, we celebrities pretty much call all the shots in our interviews these days. Whether it's Vanity Fair, People or Good Housekeeping, we decide things like what questions are asked, where the story is played, even who interviews us. After all, you need us more than we need you.

So, here's the deal: You get my story exclusively. In exchange, I get to pick the only journalist I can really trust to make me look my best: me. I hope you can play ball with me on this. I can promise you will get a true picture of Michael Gray, "hot single."

Here's a transcript of the interview. Please let me know soon if you want it. I've already got major interest from Patapsco Fortysomething Monthly.

So, Michael, first - how does it feel to be one of the city's ""hottest singles"?

Well, Michael, I'm not quite sure yet. It's all happened so fast. I do want to say for the record that I did not, in fact, nominate myself. But, gee, it was just great to be considered in the first place.

Modesty - one of your many fine virtues. Now, what would you say were the key things involved in your selection?

To be honest, I've been wondering about that. I'm pretty sure it's not my 11-year-old car, although maybe that makes me seem kind of down-to-earth. And I don't think it's that I live alone with a cat, but maybe that makes me seem sort of sensitive.

My best guess is that it's because I grew the goatee. Goatees are pretty cool, I understand. Oh, and I guess I have to say I wouldn't have qualified at all if my marriage hadn't failed.

Whoa - let's not go there! How about telling us a little about your "hot single" lifestyle?

Sure. Well, sometimes it seems like I'm out on the town almost every night. Except, of course, for Mondays and Wednesdays, when I play basketball. And Tuesdays and Thursdays, when I'm recovering from playing basketball. Oh, and Fridays, because I need to watch ""Millennium" and ""Homicide." And sometimes Saturdays, of course, because that's when I do my grocery shopping and laundry.

But other than that, you'll find me out at a movie or having a drink. Or, actually, more likely, working late again. But I can party with the best of them, as long as I'm home in time for ""Sports Center."

Well I sounds like you are cutting quite the swath across Charm City. So, do you think the brief sketch of you in the magazine did justice to your "hot singleness"?

Well, I really wish I'd been able to answer some of the questions they asked other people. I mean, nobody asked me about cotton thongs or striped bass or mowing the lawn in my underwear. Now those are attention-getters. And I suppose now I actually have to read that book I said I liked.

Ha-ha. You're quite the jokester, too. So, what's next for Michael Gray, "hot single"?

Good question. I'm thinking that maybe I have to start living up to this image a little better, you know? Get one of those architectural haircuts, start smoking cigars, find out about this single-malt Scotch thing. I suppose I might have to buy a Miata or something, too.

Um, excuse me, but unless I'm mistaken, you haven't smoked since you were 18, and you hated it then. And as far as the Miata, get real! Have you checked the old bank account lately, pal?

Hey, what kind of question is that? You're supposed to be tossing me softballs here, Mr. Mike Mussina!

Oh. So I guess that means you don't want me telling your adoring public, Mr. Hot Stuff, that you actually assigned an article lampooning last year's Baltimore magazine singles issue.

Well, I I

And then this year you sell out completely, thinking, ""Hey, how flattering, maybe I'll actually get a date or two out of this," instead of getting your lazy butt out there and trying to meet somebody the old-fashioned way.

Hey, I thought we were in this together! Why don't you just tell everybody that I actually haven't had a real date in Oh, [expletive]! Shut that [expletive] thing off right I

(Tape ends)

Michael Gray, features news editor of The Sun, appreciates your allowing him to work out his issues in public.

Pub Date: 12/07/97

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