Will someone pass the attitude, please?

November 27, 1997|By KEVIN COWHERD

Let's sit down to Thanksgiving dinner with:

Dr. Laura Schlessinger:

"Well, everything looks just lovely! But before we get started, let's clear up something. I hear a lot of whining this time of year -- much of it on my nationally syndicated radio talk show -- about the poor turkey.

"But here's the thing: the turkey chose to be a victim. You see what I'm saying? He didn't have to be a victim! He chose victimhood!

"He could have said -- OK, turkeys don't talk -- but by body language, or whatever, he could have indicated: 'No! You're not going to hit me over the head with that mallet, mister! And you're not going to trim my sorry carcass and seal me in plastic wrap.'

" 'And you're not going to ship me off to a butcher shop so I become the centerpiece of some complete stranger's Thanksgiving feast!'

"But he didn't do that, did he? No, he didn't. And look where he is now. Right. He's next to the creamed onions. And next to the -- what is that, squash?

"And we're going to eat him. And I, for one, am not going to apologize for that. No siree!

"Now, somebody say grace."

Marv Albert:

"If I could just make a brief statement while you're all helping yourselves to this wonderful meal, after which I'd be happy to answer any questions.

"In the matter of Vanessa Perhach and the issue of biting, let me say -- if you could pass me a roll, and the butter, too, please -- that the biting was consensual.

"The threesomes, the issue of me parading around in women's lingerie, all of it was in the spirit of good, clean fun. I indicated as much during the trial. And when the publicity from the trial became too much for my family -- pass the gravy, please -- I indicated as much on '20/20' and on 'Letterman' and 'Larry King' and the 300 or 400 other programs on which I appeared.

"And what I tried to get across -- is that fresh asparagus? Yes, please, just a little -- is that this was just a normal night for the two of us.

"Are there any questions? God, the asparagus is good! Yes, you in the back, with the notepad ..."

Regis Philbin:

"OK, it's Thursday, Nov. 27, 1997. It's cloudy here in New York and we're enjoying a turkey dinner with all the trimmings here in my apartment.

"Let's see ... what else is going on? Notre Dame won another one, folks! Beat West Virginia! The Fighting Irish, bay-bee! Going to a bowl game this year!

(Audience cheers.)

"All right, what are we doing now, Gelman? Are we slicing the turkey? Do we have time for this? Gelman, are we keeping you awake? GELMAN IS NODDING OFF INTO THE CRANBERRY SAUCE, FOLKS!

(Audience laughter.)

"Joining us later for pumpkin pie, the incomparable Tony Bennett, who has a wonderful new CD out that Kathie Lee was raving about.

"Also, a fine, fine actress, Patricia Richardson from 'Home Improvement.' And ex-heavyweight champ George Foreman will be here for coffee, ladies and gentlemen!

"So dig in, everybody! We'll be right back."

Peter Angelos:

"Pass the stuffing, please. No, not the sauerkraut, the stuffing. I SAID THE STUFFING! Who is that, Elrod Hendricks? You're gone, mister. OUT! Where's security? Get him out of here.

"All right. Everybody settle down. Let's try to enjoy ourselves, OK? Mmmmm, the turkey is delicious! I'm a dark meat man myself. To me there's nothing like dark meat, moist and tend-- what's that, Cal?

"You like the white meat better? Get him out of here! No, I want him out! Dammit, I don't care who he is. You don't get smart with me, boy!"

(Takes a sip of wine, makes a face.)

"Who brought the wine? That was you, Brady? Brady, I am really starting to lose patience with you, son. Davey Johnson was the same way. You'd tell him to bring a nice Sauvignon blanc and the stubborn SOB would show up with a Chablis.

"As usual, I gotta do everything myself!"

Roseanne:

"All right, for any of you [bleepers] interested in dessert, we have an apple pie and a whatchamacallit, a mince pie.

"The mince pie got a little [bleeped] up, 'cause I left it in the [bleeping] oven too long.

"We got coffee around here somewhere, too, but don't ask me for decaf, 'cause I don't buy that [bleep].

"Anyways, that's what we got and you [bleepers] can take it or leave it, it's all the same to me."

Pub Date: 11/27/97

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