'That's it! I accept your resignation'

This Just In...

November 07, 1997|By DAN RODRICKS

DATELINE BALTIMORE, some day in the future: Peter Angelos buys a hotel. It's a big beautiful place with a prime downtown location and an award-winning staff. One evening, the new owner shows up in the main ballroom.

"What's that?" he asks.

"That's an ice sculpture, sir," says the banquet manager. "It's a great blue heron."

"Looks like a duck," says Angelos. "Doesn't look like a blue

herring, for cryin' out loud. Are we payin' for this? Supposed to be a herring, looks like a duck."

"Heron, sir. ... Our ice sculptor is a graduate of the Culinary Institute and has won three gold medals in international competition. In fact, he was just named Ice Sculptor of the Year."

"Well, whatever, he's outta here."

"But the man's the best in the game! Your indifference to the work he's performed is discouraging, to say the least."

"I'll tell you what's discouraging: The sateen skirt on this dais. It still has a cigarette burn in it! Look! My sons pointed it out last summer. You remember?

"Yes, but we had it pleated and that seemed to ... "

"Enough! In my considered judgment, it would clearly be in the best interests of this hotel for a change of banquet manager. Therefore, I accept your resignation!"

Sinking the ship

Peter Angelos buys a shipyard. He shows up wearing a hard hat. He stands on a high observation deck. He picks up a phone and calls the shift supervisor.

"This is Peter Angelos."

"Yes, Mr. Angelos, what can I do for you?"

"I'm looking at that stack of steel plates over there by the shed. They're all rusty and orange looking."

"Yeah."

"Well, it looks like hell."

"That happens, sir. It's called oxidation. Just superficial, no permanent damage. See, it's caused by the moisture in the air."

"I know that! Why can't you move 'em inside?"

"The plates? They weigh 100 tons, and there's no point because they're going into the hull of this barge we're building."

"That's it. I can see this is not going to work. I assure you that my disapproval is deeply felt and consistent with what I insist to be appropriate conduct on the part of all shipyard employees."

"Oh, brother."

"In my considered judgment, it would clearly be in the best interests of this shipyard for a change in shift supervisor. Therefore I accept ... "

"I know. My resignation."

Prophesy fulfilled

Peter Angelos buys an Italian restaurant with one of the finest chefs in the region. He goes there for dinner all the time. One night he storms into the kitchen.

"You put oregano in the focaccia again!" he hollers.

The startled chef takes a step back, slaps a butcher knife against a heavy wooden cutting block. "That's it!" he barks back. "I can no more worka' like this! You are mad!"

"I can't stand oregano in the focaccia. I told you before. Put down that knife!"

"That's my mother's - God resta' her soul - recipe from Milano. Mama mia, forgive me. He's a'drivin' me crazy!"

"Put down that knife. Waving it around in a menacing fashion is ill-advised and a potentially harmful distraction."

"But I told you last summer, padrone, that's my mama's recipe. I no can make focaccia without oregano. I would die first."

"Your own actions and conduct - not mine - have produced the fulfillment of your prophecy. I accept your resignation. You are absolutely free to either kill yourself or pursue any cooking position with any other restaurant."

Directing the director

Peter Angelos buys a majority interest in the latest John Waters movie, "Pecker." He shows up on location in Hampden.

"Cut!" he yells, startling the actors and crew.

"Excuse me?" says Waters.

"This character is a ventriloquist, and her dummy is a Catholic saint."

"Right."

"No way we're putting that in this movie. It's irreverent."

"Well, duh."

"I had this problem with Jon Miller, and now you, Johnny."

"Excuse me. Irreverent is what I do."

"And why haven't I seen Tony Quinn in this movie? I told you two months ago: I want Tony to play the lead. Your position as director is under review."

'Get it outta here'

Peter Angelos buys a 7-Eleven. He comes in for coffee.

"Hey, Sammy," he says to the manager. "What's the deal on 'Breakfast Bite'?"

"Excuse me?"

"This shriveled sausage on the slow-roller grill. Who authorized that?"

"We've been selling them for several years."

"Yeah, well, this one looks like it's been cooking for several years. Get it outta here!"

"But it's fresh. That's what they look like when they come in. They're selling beautifully, Mr. Angelos. People line up for them every morning. We sell out. If it ain't broke, why fix it?"

"I absolutely reject your contention and accept your resignation."

"That seems like a petty reason to fire a talented guy such as myself."

"My favorite kind."

Pub Date: 11/07/97

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