Drama in 162 acts

'CALMET' A

September 19, 1997

Act III, Scene 1

Calmet is sitting on the trainer's table. The trainer, Sciaticus, has just left, leaving him alone with his thoughts and his ever-present copy of "The Fountainhead." Calmet picks up his cell phone to call his agent, Ronencrantz, then stops, and addresses the empty room.

To streak, or not to streak

That is the question

Whether 'tis nobler among the fans

To suffer the slings and arrows of the outrageous sports columnists

Or to wield my glove against a sea of grounders

And by opposing, bobble them: To rest: to sit;

No more; and by a rest to say we end

The backache, and the thousand natural shocks

The hot corner's heir to, 'tis a conundrum

Deftly to be avoided. To rest, to sit;

To sit, perchance to heal; ay, there's the rubdown;

For in that respite what endorsements may come

When I have shrugged off this immortal toil

Must give me pause; there's the mortgage

That makes Money Store pitchmen of Hall of Famers

And makes us taste the difference quality makes.

Exeunt field left.

(Editor's note: This recently discovered work has been variously attributed to William Shakespeare, Laura Lippman, Arthur Hirsch and Yogi Berra.)

Pub Date: 9/19/97

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