The tabloid is cleaning up its act

September 11, 1997|By Kevin Cowherd

News report: Stung by recent criticism, some tabloids are re-evaluating their content.

Memo to: The staff

From: National Globe management

Re: Change in philosophy

First, a pat on the back! We had an excellent week, breaking such important stories as "Noah's Ark Found on Mars; Giraffes Thrive in Red Planet Atmosphere!" and "Castro Dead Since 84; CIA Says His Double Rules Cuba!" and "World's Smallest Elvis Just 16 Inches Tall!"

Naturally, we're all justifiably proud of these stories, particularly the Elvis piece. (How on earth did he find a guitar tiny enough to ... well, never mind.)

And yet ... recent events have some readers asking for more "positive" stories.

Therefore, here are just a few of the topics we plan to explore in coming issues:

"Heather Locklear a Hit in the Kitchen!" Our readers know her as the busty "Melrose Place" vixen who hops in and out of the sack with has-been rockers fresh out of rehab.

But did you know Ms. Locklear enjoys baking?

We trace her interest from 10th grade home ec class through her stormy marriage to Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, when, as she says, "the only thing that kept me sane was baking apple turnovers. Also, the occasional peach cobbler."

"Sly Stallone: 'I'm Thinking of Joining the Peace Corps!' "

In this candid, 750-word "brite," the veteran actor reveals he's "this close" to "chucking the whole Hollywood thing" for his boyhood ambition: a Peace Corps posting in Ecuador.

"Helping the less fortunate is something I think about all the time!" the "Rocky" star claims. "Depending on the numbers for my next film, I could be flying into Quito the next day."

" 'Baywatch' Star Takes in Strays!" Pamela Anderson Lee, the "Baywatch" babe with the silicone chest and heart of gold, is quietly adopting hungry animals who stray near the Beverly Hills estate she shares with rocker-hubby Tommy Lee and their first child. (She's pregnant with No. 2!)

"There was a poor little Schnauzer who appeared on our doorstep the other day. He was shivering and he looked so ..." Ms. Lee recounted before dissolving into tears and begging off the rest of the interview.

"Winona Judd to Fans: 'Let's Plant Trees!' "

Country songbird Winona Judd is urging her audiences to get behind her national re-forestation program, called "Green and Mean with Winona!"

"If I plant a tree and you plant a tree and that guy over there -- who is he, the chauffeur? -- plants a tree, the world will be a lot better place," Judd said at the program's kickoff news conference.

The "chauffeur" turned out to be Secretary of the Interior Bruce Babbitt, on hand for the festivities.

Nonplused, Judd handed him a backstage pass for her next concert.

Now, what exactly are we saying here?

Are we saying that if a Frank Gifford, giddy from five Rob Roys in the hotel bar, accepts an invitation for a "nightcap" from a curvaceous former flight attendant and the two begin groping each other in the hallway of her $350-a-night suite, that we won't record every steamy moment with a camera previously secreted in a potted plant?

No! Not at all!

That would be a dereliction of journalistic duty!

But isn't there another side of Mr. Gifford we could show our readers?

Does he enjoy woodworking?

After a hard day of womanizing, does the NFL legend unwind by sanding 19th-century rocking chairs or otherwise puttering around the basement of the Connecticut mansion he shares with cross-dressing wife Kathie Lee?

(Oops! Cat's out of the bag! Well, you see one of the stories we're sitting on!)

The point is: Think differently from now on, people!

Think brite!

Think upbeat!

Think positive!

P.S. -- Our sales staff will be carefully monitoring circulation figures over the next three weeks. Should any further change in the paper's philosophy be required, another memo will follow.

Pub Date: 9/11/97

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