Only the truth about lawyers

April 17, 1997|By Joe Murray

ANGELINA COUNTY, Texas -- I hate lawyer jokes. I would never repeat a lawyer joke. Like the one, what do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

For each, the odds are about 1 in 3 million of turning out to be a human being.

It's not funny. Stop laughing.

There are racists. There are sexists. There are lawyerists. Each is equally offensive. I'm outraged. I hope you are, too. Let's vow, you and me, that from now on we will tell only the truth about lawyers. No more made-up stories, OK?

I'll go first.

Here's an item gleaned from the Internet that was recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal.

The following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

''Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?''

''The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?''

''Were you present when your picture was taken?''

''Were you alone or by yourself?''

''Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?''

''Did he kill you?''

''How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?''

''You were there until the time you left, is that true?''

''How may times have you committed suicide?''

L Q: ''So the date of conception [of the baby] was August 8?''

A. ''Yes.''

Q: ''And what were you doing at that time?''

Q: ''She had three children, right?''

A: ''Yes.''

Q: ''How many were boys?''

A: ''None.''

Q: ''Were there any girls?''

Q: ''You say the stairs went down to the basement?''

A: ''Yes.''

Q: ''And these stairs, did they go up also?''

Q: ''Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?''

A: ''I went to Europe, sir.''

Q: ''And you took your new wife?''

Q: ''How was your first marriage terminated?''

A: ''By death.''

Q: ''And by whose death was it terminated?''

Q: ''Can you describe the individual?''

A: ''He was about medium height and had a beard.''

Q: ''Was this a male, or a female?''

Q: ''Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?''

A: ''No, this is how I dress when I go to work.''

Q: ''Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?''

A: ''All my autopsies are performed on dead people.''

Q: ''Do you recall the time that you examined the body?''

A: ''The autopsy started around 8: 30 p.m.''

Q: ''And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?''

A: ''No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.''

Q: ''You were not shot in the fracas?''

A: ''No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.''

Q: ''Are you qualified to give a urine sample?''

A: ''I have been since early childhood.''

No further questions, your honor.

Joe Murray is senior writer for Cox Newspapers.

Pub Date: 4/17/97

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