True facts about babies, biscotti and basic living

December 22, 1996|By Susan Reimer

STAY TUNED FOR a holiday edition of True Facts.

Our guests today include Marie Osmond, Kermit the Frog, Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino and the cast from "Les Miz."

This special was actually recorded in August with fake snow, VTC fake Christmas trees and everyone sweating to death wearing ski sweaters in front of a fire while surrounded by brightly wrapped empty boxes. But that was the only time Marino and Marie were both available.

So, put another log on the fire, push the Christmas wrap aside and settle down for a long winter's nap and facts that are true any season of the year.

A woman will carry two bags of groceries and a toddler up the front steps, but she won't carry a purse to a party.

If teen-age boys did not slouch and trudge, they would not move at all.

A biscotti is not the caloric equivalent of a zwieback. It just looks like one.

You know you are getting old when your high school reunion is scheduled for the afternoon.

Living with teen-agers is like living in a permanent premenstrual state. You are either irritable or you will be soon.

As soon as you find your children's favorite convenience food on sale and buy 12, it will no longer be their favorite convenience food.

Never leave a message with a teen-age boy. You'd have a better chance of its getting to the right person if you wrote it on the wall of a turnpike bathroom.

The baby always wakes up the minute you pour the milk on your cereal.

You know you are not getting out much when your cultural life consists of going to see children perform on a school stage.

According to Harvard economist Juliet Schor, taking on a husband adds about five hours to a woman's annual household work time. Helpmate is an oxymoron.

One respondent to a Men's Health reader survey said, "The most important thing about sex is that it gives her enough energy to do housework."

Boomers hate the term "seniors," so, as the first boomers turn 50, American Demographics magazine says publications targeted to older adults are using such euphemisms as "mature" and "prime" and coming up with upbeat titles such as "Looking Forward," "New Horizons," "Now is the Time" and "Young at Heart."

You know you are not getting out much when the only reason you buy pantyhose is to have something to put over the hose from your washer.

Demi Moore calls ahead to restaurants to make sure nothing she is served is cooked with cream or fats. I checked with Domino's and McDonald's, and they will not do that for us.

A Parents magazine survey revealed that if husbands had more free time, 53 percent say they would spend it with their wives. The same survey showed that if wives had more time, 31 percent say they would spend it by themselves.

Clothes dryers should have odometers on them so you can tell how many loads are left before they suddenly quit working.

And the truest true fact of all: If your children understood the lessons about money that you have been trying to teach them, you would not find so much of it in the washing machine.

Pub Date: 12/22/96

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