Stars come out to share holiday dinner

November 28, 1996|By Kevin Cowherd

THANKSGIVING dinner with celebrities past and present:

Sammy Davis Jr.

"Hey, man, could you pass the mashed potatoes? Man, you are the greatest, you know that? You are Numero Uno, man! I been with a lot of cats on Thanksgiving, man, but you're one of the giants!

"What's that over there, dressing? Lay it on me, man. Oh, yeah! You gotta love chestnut dressing! I say that in all sincerity.

"Man, all you cats are the greatest, you know that? I'm serious, man! From the bottom of my heart. I'm a lucky man. Little one-eyed dude like me I can feel the love in this room, man!"

(Dabs at tears with napkin.)

(Suddenly he brightens.)

"Is that the cranberry sauce? Could you pass it? Man, you are without doubt the grooviest cat I've ever broken bread with. My hand on the Bible -- I'm serious!"

Frank Sinatra

"Before we get started, lemme give you a piece of advice: Stay away from that drumstick, OK? Yeah, that one right there. You hear me?

"You think I'm kidding? Barbara, tell the man I'm serious. I'm serious as a heart attack, pal.

"I'm asking you nicely, OK? Otherwise, I pick up the phone, a Lincoln Town Car pulls into the driveway, three guys get out, you're never heard from again. All right?

"One more thing: the creamed onions. They're for me, OK? They're not for you. I see you reach for 'em, you get hurt. Vinny over here breaks your arm.

"OK? It's that simple. We do it My Way here, OK?

"Awright, somebody say grace. "

Sally Jessy Raphael

"Before we begin this wonderful feast, let me make the introductions. To my immediate right is Beverly. She is -- correct me if I'm wrong here -- sleeping with her daughter's boyfriend. Is that right, Beverly? Nice to have you.

"To my left is Teri. Until a year and a half ago, Teri was a man. She is now reconsidering her decision to have a sex-change operation. And we welcome her.

"Across from Beverly is Nick. Nick admits to having beaten his wife Donna in the past. (Boos, hisses from others at table.) No, no, let's hear his story.

"Will someone propose a toast and we'll get started?"

Bob Dole

"You've got that big thing over there. At the end of the table. On the big platter. Right, the turkey.

"Some folks look at it: white meat or dark meat. That business. But that's not how Bob Dole operates. To Bob Dole, it's just meat!

"Don't know how they feel about it in the Clinton White House. Not much interested, either. The press killed me on the tax-cut thing, affirmative action, the bridge to the past stuff. Killed me!

"They'd kill me on this, too. 'What do you mean, Senator, it's all just meat?!'

"Whatever. It's who I am. A plain-spoken man from Kansas. A man who -- I'll have some more wine here, Liddy, if you don't mind -- did the best he could with what he had.

"Are we gonna eat? That's what we're here for, right? Clinton, he'd look at all this food, want to talk about it, make pretty speeches. That's not Bob Dole's way.

"If we're gonna eat, let's eat."

Ann Landers

"What's the matter with you, Bub? Why aren't you eating? Down about something? You think you have problems? I got a letter from Confused in Kentucky.

"She writes: 'I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 21. He never takes me anywhere. All we do is stay in my apartment and have sex. Is this a normal relationship?'

"I wrote back: 'Toots, you sound like you have a screw loose. Bats in your belfry. Dump this freeloader. No wonder he doesn't spend money on you! Why pay for the cow if the milk is free?'

"Can you believe that dame? Some more broccoli? Tell me something: Is that frown gonna be on your puss for the whole dinner? 'Cause if it is, you should seriously think about counseling, Buster."

Dr. Jack Kevorkian

"A stringy, half-cooked game bird, pasty, over-moist stuffing, turnips the color of mud oozing down a tenement wall -- this is what we're to be thankful for?

"Lukewarm crescent rolls, salty butter with all the flavor of spackle, a textureless pumpkin pie that sits in one's stomach like a chunk of cinder block -- pardon me if I'm not thrilled to be here.

"Is there no end to the madness? No end to the suffering? And yet the government says: 'No, you may not choose to leave this world for the place of eternal light and peace! You may not go out with dignity!'

"Mealy corn from withered husks, cider harsh and brown as the sediment of a polluted river bottom, the Detroit Lions on TV the Great Beyond beckons like a shimmering oasis of tranquillity."

Pub Date: 11/28/96

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