Good fellas don't cause bomb scares

THIS JUST IN ...

November 20, 1996|By DAN RODRICKS

This Juliano. The one from Connecticut. The one who left the rental car at the airport. The one who caused a call to the bomb squad, the closing of driveways and a parking garage for four hours, the snarling of traffic and the delaying of flights out of BWI. That one. What should we do with this guy? I know: He's sorry. But that doesn't answer the question: What should we do with him?

The mind slips into overdrive, and I'm imagining ...

Bobby De Niro and Joe Pesci in "Goodfellas." What would they do?

I see the two of them in a car -- a big white Riviera -- and they're trying to get into the airport and they get stuck with everybody else. It's Sunday. They're late to pick up Ray Liotta, who's coming in from Chicago after going out there to meet a guy for a little business.

And then, OK, I can hear what Pesci says as he and De Niro sit in traffic with all those cops and bomb-sniffing dogs around. Boy, is Pesci steamed. But, of course, I can't print what he says because this is a family newspaper, not an R-rated Nicholas Pileggi screenplay.

But, anyway, the next day Pesci reads in the paper that the guy who jammed him and De Niro up is this guy Juliano in Connecticut.

So what's he do? Being one of the most violent hotheads ever invented by the movie industry, he decides to take some action. He tells his mother he's gotta "go upstate" and he gets De Niro to drive him to North Branford, Conn.

They get there within eight hours, having stopped in Manhattan to see Paul Sorvino, then they start asking around for this Juliano guy. They get his address. They drive by his house. They park across the street. They wait for him to come out of his house. They see him coming. They get out of the car. Pesci throws a cigarette to the ground. He gathers his big cashmere overcoat. He moves like a dancer up the driveway. De Niro follows, hands in his side pockets.

Pesci sees Juliano. He walks right up to him.

"Mr. Juliano?" Pesci asks.

"Yes."

"Julie!" Pesci makes with the big hello, grabbing and hugging the guy. "Listen, we gotta talk. You got a minute? I'm not interrupting nothin,' am I? Of course not. Come on. Get in the car. GET IN THE CAR!"

Once inside the Riviera, Pesci lets Juliano have it.

"Listen, Julie -- can I call you that? It's pretty obvious to me you need to get in a group and talk this out. I look at what you did in Baltimore -- abandoning your car like that to make a flight -- and I can only say one thing: You're suffering from impulse control disorder. And believe me, I know what I'm talkin' about."

"Wait," says De Niro from the front seat. "No way this is an impulse control problem. It's far more complex than that."

"Just drive the car!" Pesci says.

De Niro looks in the rear-view mirror, then pulls the car to a stop on the side of the road. He leans menacingly over the front seat.

"This man has a severe adjustment disorder problem and you know it!" he shouts. "He's shown a disregard for the rights of others and a failure to conform ..."

"There was no 'No Parking' sign!" Pesci yells. "He didn't know it was wrong. Just drive the car!"

"Shut up!" De Niro screams. "Listen to me. He exhibited clinically significant behavioral symptoms in response to an identifiable psychosocial stressor -- i.e., his trip to Baltimore, his flat tire and his late arrival at the airport. Not to mention, he owns his own tow-truck company. He's a small businessman. Are you blind or somethin'? It's classic!"

"It's impulse control disorder," Pesci says. "That doesn't mean it's not a complicated problem. Believe me, I know. Just drive the car or I'll slap ya!"

De Niro returns to the wheel and drives. Pesci slaps him in the back of the head.

"Second-guessing me!" Pesci shouts.

"If I may," Juliano says meekly. "I said I was sorry. I feel worse than anybody. I should have taken more responsibility."

"That's good, Julie," Pesci says. "That's a start. Now, listen, there's this group I can get you in, meets every Thursday ..."

Pub Date: 11/20/96

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