Looking for a bounce
Desperate for some upward movement in his poll standings -- at this point, he's tied for fourth in the American League East -- Dole resigns from the Senate, where he's been since Strom Thurmond was a Democrat. "Bob Dole is a normal American citizen," Dole says, meaning, apparently, a down-sized, outta-work white guy sucking down some brewskies who blames all his problems on affirmative action.
But, as often happens, the Dole advisory team tries to take this concept a little too far when they ask Citizen Dole to go for the relaxed American, sit-back-and-do-some-tube-time look, meaning he has to take off his tie. A nation is shocked as Dole reveals a very distinct, neck-high tan line. Clinton remains 20 points ahead.
Still looking for a bounce
Dole searches for a vice president, saying he wants a "10," at which point Bo Derek, the only Republican ever to be naked, interviews for the job. Dole also interviews several overweight, draft-dodging Republican governors. Colin Powell turns him down. Undaunted, after watching Muhammad Ali light the Olympic torch, Dole tries to give the job to him.
He finally settles on Kemp, which doesn't give him any bounce in the polls but does set off a flurry of football metaphors. Favorite moment: when Kemp gives Dole a head-butt.
Scandal, Part III
Clinton under fire when newsboys break the Filegate story. It seems that Craig Livingstone, a former bouncer who becomes head of security at the White House -- where it can, you'll admit, get pretty rowdy -- had requested and received FBI files on many major Republicans. Dole compares this action to the compilation of Nixon's enemies list. Clinton replies: "I've never worn wingtips on the beach."
-! America applauds his honesty.
Up in smoke
With a few million bucks from tobacco companies in his pocket, Dole says that nicotine may not be addictive. The sound you hear is all America gasping. Sensing he has an issue, he then attacks Katie Couric -- reviving images of the "old" Dole, before he became simply old Dole -- and says that former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop is a "little bit" brainwashed on the subject of tobacco.
Clinton is gloating until the news breaks that since 1992, teen-age drug use has doubled. Dole blames Clinton, saying, "In a Dole administration, kids will learn to smoke cigarettes and not those funny ones that make you get tattoos and listen to that hep-cat music."
He's baaaaack
Ross Perot says he's willing to run for president again on the Reform Party ticket "if the people want me." Former Colorado governor Dick Lamm, who once advocated killing off old people, says he wants the job, too, and promises a "no B.S." campaign, giving the voters a clear choice. As it happens, the guy who knows Larry King's home phone number wins.
Conventional wisdom
The networks decide to blow off the national political conventions, except for an hour a night at 10 o'clock after the kids have gone to bed, in order to preserve the American family's right to watch "Roseanne."
The Republicans go first. Colin Powell gives his "big tent" speech as the cameras fix on the one black guy in the audience, who gets more face time than Denzel Washington. Liddy Dole does her Oprah imitation. Dole promises a 15 percent tax cut and a bridge to the 19th century, when, he pointed out, "there were no teachers' unions and you smoked 'em if you had 'em." Kemp promises that, when he's president, there'll be no taxes at all. Just before the convention it was revealed that keynote speaker Susan Molinari had "experimented" with drugs while in college. No mention of whether the experiments involved a Bunsen burner.
The Democrats are in Chicago for the first time since 1968. This time, they have an area set aside for protesters, who are given a time and place to protest. For instance, anarchists are scheduled for Wednesday at 4 p.m. Inside the convention hall, Hillary plays Martha Stewart and Al Gore does the Macarena. Clinton gives a long speech, most of it involving bridges to the 21st century, after which Clinton and Gore begin a bus tour. Jesse and Mario give passionate speeches seen only by those who watch C-Span.
Soccer moms, or how I
learned to love the van
Soccer moms do not play soccer. They are suburbanites who car-pool children to soccer games where the kids run in 10 different directions and kick each other more often than they kick the ball. These people (the moms, not the kids) are the swing vote in the election, the pundits say. They say this because they're tired of talking about angry white males.
It's also another way to get at the gender gap. If you believe the most recent polling on the subject, every woman in America except Bay Buchanan is voting for Clinton.
Finally, a bounce
@4 Unfortunately, it's when Dole falls off a stage.
Scandal, Part IV
Clinton adviser Dick "Family Values" Morris is caught giving away state secrets to a $200 an hour hooker. Clinton says, "Every American has the right to suck toes in a consensual relationship."
