Bits o' Bugeye: The talk of Oysterback

August 07, 1996|By Helen Chappell

OYSTERBACK, Md. -- Random news from the latest issue of the Oysterback Bugeye:

The Dislocated Waterman Retraining Program over at the community college is really working. Hudson Swann and Junior Redmond have used their newly acquired computer skills to hack into the FBI's secret files on everyone in the West Hundred. If you want to see yours, stop by Junie's workshop in the evenings. Bring your own printer paper.

In related news, Ferrus T. Buckett, the world's oldest waterman, who is somewhere between 70 and death, now has his own web site. You can reach him at http: //wwurmudgeon.com.

Speaking of cranky old white guys, Eurydice Chew reports from Bethel Branch that Hurricane Bertha caused a big leak in the shape of Arnold Toynbee to appear on the wall of her family room. Since she is a registered Independent, she says she fails to understand why this happened to her, but the curious have come from as far away as the former Soviet Union to view the apparition, leaving offerings of Wonderbread, homemade Pink Floyd tapes and sympathetic magic items. Eurydice says she enjoys the company, as long as they don't show up during her afternoon stories on TV.

Due to the severe shortage of crabs this summer, the Wallopsville Volunteer Fire and Rescue Company has changed the menu for the August 24 fund-raiser. The Chicken Necker Fiesta kicks off at noon with a Bull Lips Bar-B-Que, so come on down.

Vocal stylings

Racine Boudine, musical director of the West Hundred Community Orchestra, will be guest conductor of the Patamoke Karaoke Chorale over to the Community Theatre In the Oblong Saturday Night. Featured soloist will be Francine Boudine, whose vocal stylings have been heard as far away as the Peach Bottom Moonlite Bay Supper Club in Conowingo, although she lives in Tubman's Corners. She will be backed up by her cousins Gineen, Earlene and Martine. The Boudines will wear matching peach lame gowns with sheer overlays trimmed with rhinestone ribbing, provided by Jodi's Fashion Whirl Boutique except for Racine, who will wear a white tie. The Boudines will be known to many in this region as the former snake-handling gospel quartet.

Oder Bowley, 38, of 4402 Suicide Chicken Road, was arrested by Sheriff Wesley Briscoe and charged with running a farm chop shop and selling stolen agricultural-equipment parts to unsuspecting farmers in West Virginia.

Madam Zorlina, the Palm Reader out on Route 50, says that Smollet Bowley, brother of Oder, is so stupid, when he comes in, she charges only half price to read his mind.

Omar Hinton wants the whole West Hundred to know that the souvenir items he has ordered from the novelty company in New Jersey have finally arrived. If anyone wants a license plate that says ''I Brake for Boone Bros,'' a lovely varnished cedar plaque with a decal of the Last Supper that says ''Oysterback, Maryland,'' a tasteful plastic mug with the Patamoke town seal or a collection of attractive and useful postcards featuring scenes of the Route 50 Bypass around Wallopsville, drop by the store. Omar says the new ice cream flavor, Lasagna Mint Ripple has arrived and is available in the freezer case.

Mr. Earl's Party Farm announces that this year's Battle of the Bands will be held in Tonto Rainbird's back pasture after the Reverse Gear Mud Bogs on the 17th. Norris Peavine of Mello Groove D.J. Party Services of Tubman's Corners will emcee the event. Bellicose bands with an attitude, tanned, rested and out of rehab in time to rock and roll will include Albert and the Nasal Hairs, Gingko Revenge, Young Republicans for Satan, Toadfish Tramps and Delmar P.'s E-Z Tone Accordionaires performing their hit, ''The Jesus Love Me Polka.''

Delbert Runch asks what's yellow and sleeps eight? His answer, a DOT highway truck, always gets laughs from the boys over at the state maintenance barn, especially during pothole-repair season.

Over to Slaughter's Crossroads, Floxie Hightower reports that she is channeling Admiral Elmo Zumwalt via a celadon lamp she picked up at a yard sale over to Rhodesdale last spring. The admiral told her that the best place to fish for croakers is out on Irritable Shoal by the 13B can. Floxie and husband Tut hauled in a dozen good-sized hardheads out there Tuesday night with bloodworms, but they've fallen off somewhat this week when the moon changed. Floxie says the admiral is talking about a good run of red drum this fall, however. Stay tuned, fishermen.

The First Church of Elvis over to Slaughter's Crossroads will be holding a Fried Lard Banana Peanut Butter Sandwich and Rummage Sale on the 31st.

Norris and Chickadee Peavine are celebrating the birth of a son. Ross Keanu Brad Peavine, 8 lbs., 10 oz., arrived prematurely while they were honeymooning at Captain and Mrs. Lennie Skinner's rental cottage in Ocean City.

Desiree Grinch, proprietor of the Blue Crab Tavern, has announced that she has finally blurred the line between life and performance art. She is applying for a grant from the Jesse Helms Philistine Foundation to take on the road.

The Hon. Findlay S. Fish, known far and wide for regretfully doling out a six-month sentence to Harmon Sneed, the convicted wife murderer, as well as being an assiduous decoy collector, was found dead in his duck blind, his head bludgeoned with an antique Scratch Wallace decoy. Much relief was expressed when Sheriff Briscoe announced the priceless Scratch Wallace sleeping goose was unharmed in the incident.

Helen Chappell is author of ''Slow Dancing with the Angel of Death.''

Pub Date: 8/07/96

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