Of the Jewish persuasion: a Southern Baptist primer

June 17, 1996|By MIKE LITTWIN

News item: Southern Baptists have voted to send missionaries out to convert American Jews.

WELCOME, fellow missionaries.

We are here, as you know, at the Bring Home the Jews seminar/barbecue. We used to leave this business up to Jews for Jesus, but they just weren't getting the job done.

The first thing you need how to do is pick yourself out a Jew. Now you can say that's obvious as dirt on a hog. But if you don't know who our Jewish friends are, you won't know who to say "Shalom, y'all" to.

Say y'all decide to convert some Chinese. That's easy. You go off to China. You hang out in Tiananmen Square. And, before you can say Chou En Lai, you got yourself enough Chinese to stop a tank.

But how do you reckon if somebody's a Jew? Now, here's something strange I found out. Just like the Chinese, if you want to find Jews, Chinese restaurants are an excellent place to look.

Go figure.

Some of you didn't notice what I said there. You got to pay attention. This ain't no church picnic. This is serious work for the Lord. I said "Go figure." Say it with me now: "Go figure." That's what Jews say, just like we say A-men. You hear "go figure" and you start ripping out them pamphlets. You're on the Lord's path. Same thing if you hear "oy kevalt" and "schmear." I don't know what either one of 'em means, but you might want to start mixing 'em into conversation, like if you're at the feed store, you say, Billy Jo, give me the whole schmear.

These words and lots of other will be in the handbook we pass out later. So will some places to look for Jews, like something they call a bris or a wedding if it's got people doing this dance called the hora or just about any meeting of the Federal Reserve Board.

Now you're just not gonna find Jews everywhere. Don't even think about looking at your 4-H clubs. Your nicer country clubs. Rodeos. Behind the wheel of an El Camino. Or on a horse, unless the rider is a teen-aged girl with very expensive orthodontia.

Now let's say you're taking a look-see through a neighborhood, totin' some pamphlets, hoping to bump into some Jews.

If you see some ole boy on top of his house, fixin' his roof, keep on walking.

If you see some other ole boy under the hood of his car with a tool box, keep on walking.

But hey, if you run into somebody drilling a tooth, you just mighta sniffed yourself out a real Jew. Yes, sir.

We're gonna show y'all some training films in Jewish culture, most of them either by a Mr. Mel Brooks or this here Mr. Woody Allen, who dates that Chinese girl. If you bring him home to Jesus, you might get one of the Chinese, too. Hallelujah.

And then there's that TV show "Seinfeld" out of New York City, which is where most of your Jews live. Now this is the gospel truth: Folks on that show don't eat barbecue, or hardly any meat. They don't drink beer or even ice tea.

Now here's something real weird. George Castanza, who's a character on that show, has got one of them Eye-talian names. Turns out he's the most Jewish character on TV since Molly Goldberg. You gotta study him close. George is always waving his hands around real bird-like, if y'all know what I mean, and always goin' on about gettin' credit if he buys the big salad, which is what them New Yorkers eat for lunch, lessen they eat corned beef.

If y'all see somebody like that, get out the pamphlets.

When you watch these here Woody Allen movies, you find out that Jews are very sensitive about being called Jews.

They don't like to be called Hebrews, either, even if that's what your momma told you to call them to be polite. In "Annie Hall" there's this "Jew-eat?" business which I didn't completely get but everyone else seemed to think was real funny.

Same thing with "Broadway Danny Rose, which I also didn't get, except it's about a famous delicatessan right there in New York City. If y'all want to look for Jews, you got to understand delicatessans.

L Some things you need to know right off. It's lox and bagels.

And you might come across something called gefilte fish. Don't ask where they catch the gefilte or what kind of hook you use. It ain't nothin' like catfish -- or any other kind of fish I ever heard of.

Here's something you need to know, most of your Jews have a great sense of humor. So, when you finally get in the door, you surely need a joke to break the ice. I like the one about the minister, the priest and the rabbi playing golf. You know, the one with the blind golfers slowin' 'em down. This time, be sure not to let the rabbi complain to the golf pro, "They couldn't play at

night?" Use the priest.

We're just about done here. Pretty soon some of y'all will be off to New York City, some to Hollywood, California, and the rest to sunny Florida.

I know most of you don't want to get near that New York City. We lost about 10 boys there last year. Six got shot, three got hit by a cab and one just went plumb crazy and got hisself a job at the Yew-Nited Nations. Broke his daddy's heart.

Mr. Marlon Brando, while not technically a Southern Baptist, says the Jews run the world from Hollywood.

We just started this boycott of Disney for being friendly to homosexuals and also on account of movies with talkin' mice, and that may mean we're not gonna make no Baptist outta Michael Eisner. And if we don't get Michael Eisner, we don't get Michael Ovitz. So maybe Hollywood's not such a hot idea either.

Now Florida is different. It's a God-fearin' state, right next to Alabama.

LTC You just get in the truck and, if you're lucky, you're back in time for huntin' season. And the Jews are easy to spot down there. Just look for some old geezer in white shoes and a white belt whose head don't make it up past the steering wheel.

That's it. You've passed the course.

Mazel tov, y'all, and praise the Lord.

Pub Date: 6/17/96

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