Diary shows a different 'Madonna'

June 06, 1996|By Kevin Cowherd


April 16 -- Today my publicist announced to the world that I'm with child. We're in Budapest filming "Evita" and the Hungarian press descended on our hotel.

"With permission," one reporter asked, "who is the love monster whose seed inhabits your nether regions?"

"His name is Carlos," I said, "He's 29, Cuban-born and a personal trainer. I picked him up in Central Park while jogging."

"Please," another reporter said, "do not be yanking our collective chains, as we are on tight deadlines. Is your love monster the Hollywood stud-horse legend Warren Beatty, or the angry, beaky one, Sean Penn?

"Or perhaps the unhinged basketball self-loather, Dennis Rodman? Do not be telling us stories of Cuban donkey trainers!"

I left in tears. Later, I bought a coal-black bassinet off a Gypsy woman and felt better. But only a little.

April 22 -- Watched "Barney and Friends" today. Carlos was out cleaning the pool. I wanted him to watch, too; these are the wonderful programs our dear, sweet child will come to love.

"Yo, get the #$%&* in here and watch #$%&* Barney!" I said over the intercom.

Carlos said he'd be right in and then accidentally locked himself in one of the cabanas.

Apparently the sign over the door said "Pull" and he kept pushing.

April 29 -- Is it too soon to be thinking about Lamaze class? I find the idea of writhing on pillows with a dozen heavy-breathing strangers an incredible turn-on!

The thought was driving me wild this morning as I emerged from the shower.

"Take me, Carlos! Take me!" I said urgently.

"Take you where?" he said. "I'm not driving to New Jersey again. No way, uh-uh."

He's a wonderful boy, Carlos, with tremendous biceps. But as my publicist Liz says, he's no Carl Sagan.

May 11 -- The Chicago Bulls are in town and Dennis called today with congratulations.

"Yo, #$%&*, heard you got yourself some #$%&*," he said.

Yes, the baby's due in November, I told him.

He promised to send along one of his pink feather boas for the child.

Unless it's a girl. In which case we can expect a tasteful studded collar.

May 14 -- At dinner tonight, Carlos confessed that as a boy, he was a terrible student, with very poor grades.

Then he figured out what he was doing wrong: He was highlighting everything in black Magic Marker.

Once he switched to yellow Markers, he said, the improvement in his grades was dramatic.

May 16 -- We've already begun discussing feeding schedules.

Carlos has kindly offered to breast-feed the baby, which I appreciate. But he works out six hours a day and has modeling gigs after that. Plus he generally doesn't get back from the nightclubs before dawn.

No, it looks like I'll be doing the bulk of the breast-feeding. A woman's work is never done.

May 21 -- Carlos and I continue to fix up the baby's room. I picked out some nice wallpaper that depicts fierce centaurs ravishing heavy-breasted German maidens in leather corsets, with death masks over their faces and their arms bound by chains.

Carlos wants a poster of former Cuban boxing champion Theofilio Stevenson over the crib.

But I'm sorry, a boxing poster?

For a newborn?

Honestly, what is that man thinking?

May 26 -- I'm worried about Carlos. He was shopping at Neiman Marcus today. There was a power outage and he was stranded on the escalator for four hours.

May 30 -- I saw some darling purple bibs with "Primus World Tour '96 -- Rock 'til It Hurts" scrawled across the front in blood-red letters.

I bought a half-dozen.

They really are adorable.

June 2 -- A mom-to-be's life sure is hectic! Today I dashed off two chapters on sado-masochism and fetishes for my new book "Sex II." Then Carlos and I went shopping for a baby stroller.

We saw a tiny nose-ring that would look perfect on the baby, just like the one Carlos' transvestite next-door-neighbor wears.

Only I think we'll wait until the christening for that.

Pub Date: 6/06/96

Baltimore Sun Articles
Please note the green-lined linked article text has been applied commercially without any involvement from our newsroom editors, reporters or any other editorial staff.