Isn't anybody able to get anyone out here?

Can Bonilla pitch?

Just kidding, Bobby.

On second thought, start warming up.

Hall of Fame pitcher Jim Palmer stood in the press cafeteria last night holding a small cardboard drink box.

L "This," he said in disgust, "is how big the strike zone is."

That's Palmer's explanation for the offensive explosion in baseball, and it's as good a place to start as any.

Catcher Chris Hoiles received his first career ejection for arguing balls and strikes last night, and manager Davey Johnson suffered the same fate after taking up the fight with plate umpire Terry Craft.

"Smaller strike zone, smaller ballparks, bad pitching, bigger hitters, loaded baseballs, corked bats and higher-altitude cities . . . does that about cover it?" Mike Mussina asked.

Actually, it's not funny.

The games stink.

Oh, Peter Angelos and George Steinbrenner can take pride in the pitching staffs they've assembled. Their combined payrolls exceed $100 million, and their pitchers still can't get anyone out.

Where are the replacement players when you need them?

Last night's game may be over as you are reading this. Then again, it might not be. Deadline approaches, and the homers continue to fly. Any day now, President Clinton will declare Eutaw Street a disaster area.

This just in: Yankees 13, Orioles 10.

Time of game: Ask Letterman.

Number of pitches thrown: Infinity squared.

Seriously, the Yankees' bullpen won this game, enabling New York to rally from a 9-4 deficit by allowing only one run in eight innings.

The Orioles clubbed Yankees starter Andy Pettitte, but managed only two hits after the second inning, apparently suffering from exhaustion.

The Yankees, meanwhile, countered with a tidy 17-hit, nine-walk attack in a game that lasted four hours, 21 minutes, the longest nine-inning game in major-league history.

"When Brady homers at 12: 05 to win this, does that count as an April homer or a May homer?" Orioles assistant public relations ,, director Bill Stetka asked.

Here's the bigger question:

When Anderson approaches Roger Maris' home run record, will his sideburns start falling out?

Bonilla shaved his mustache last night, and broke an 0-for-20 slump with a two-run single. Samson would have been proud, but Bonilla is the exception, not the rule.

Indeed, Johnson was only half-kidding when he said that he might drop two of his three utility infielders for another pitcher and "a hairy-chested banger."

Welcome to the American League, Davey.

Hairy chests, big muscles and 450-foot homers.

Paul O'Neill, Jim Leyritz and Tino Martinez went deep for the Yankees last night. Anderson hit a triple, but he has now gone two straight games without a homer, sending the Rotisserie geeks who picked him up cheap into a panic.

Fear not, geeks, the runs keep coming.

The Twins scored 16 last night, the Red Sox 13 and the Blue Jays beat the Brewers, 9-8. The Tigers, sporting a 7.31 ERA, are preparing to scout Manny Alexander.

Still want to play every day, Cal?

Indeed, only in this wacky season could B. J. Surhoff advance a runner to third with none out and screw up an inning.

Surhoff, of course, did his job, but the seven hitters in front of him had hits in the Orioles' six-run second.

Six earned runs; that's as many as Mussina allowed last August. Naturally, the Orioles' 9-4 lead wasn't safe. No lead is safe.

The Texas Rangers blew leads of 5-0 and 7-3 at Camden Yards on Monday night, and the Orioles coughed last night's advantage back faster than you can say, "Jimmy Myers."

The Yankees tied the score in the fifth inning, knocking out Arthur Rhodes, who couldn't get three outs with a five-run lead to become eligible for the victory.

The teams combined for 18 runs and 22 hits in those frantic first five innings, then summoned professional massage therapists to rub down the aching hitters.

Who will be the first slugger to go on the DL with a strained biceps?

Yankees reliever Scott Kamieniecki should receive Cy Young consideration based on his four scoreless innings. Kamieniecki accomplished the rare feat of going 3-0 on three straight hitters -- and retiring the side 1-2-3. Yes, the pitching stats are slightly out of kilter. How can Johnson consider sending Kent Mercker to the bullpen? Sure, Merck has a 9.27 ERA. But the team is 4-1 in his starts.

The Orioles' ERA stands at 5.18. The club record for highest ERA in a season is 5.01. It was set in 1987, the year of the live ball and the 10-homer game.

Somewhere, Eric Bell, Ken Dixon and Tony Arnold are watching ESPN nervously, wondering if their place in club history will stand.

Relax, guys, it's a long season.

And many long nights ahead.

Pub Date: 5/01/96