Hello, young lovers . . . HELLO THERE, you're not the only ones in the world

April 18, 1996|By KEVIN COWHERD

IF SPRING HAS a downside, it's that the Great Outdoors is infested once again with young lovers, who are surely the most annoying people on the planet.

This was obvious the other day when I walked to the harbor for lunch and immediately ran into the Handholding Couple From Hell.

In this case, it was a stocky, pimply-faced boy of about 19 with the requisite baseball cap on backward and his Alanis Morissette-ish girlfriend.

Strolling along, the two made it clear that they were too much in love to allow the sweaty union of his hand and her's to be broken -- even for a few seconds.

Via the trademark gooey grins of the hormonally-addled, they also signaled that it was the responsibility of other pedestrians to walk AROUND them, no matter how inconvenient.

One little old lady absent-mindedly wandered in between them and was actually yoked off her feet and carried 10 yards.

A racing toddler -- you know how innocent THEY are -- made the mistake of thinking the couple would part hands to allow him to pass.

Instead, he was clothes-lined around the thorax, no doubt setting in motion lifelong swallowing problems and a fear of seeing intimacy in others.

Badly shaken by these two incidents, I ducked inside one of the pavilions and bought a sandwich.

Then I came back out and found a seat on one of the benches, where everything was hunky-dory until . . . until the Feeders plopped down next to me.

I'm not sure I can fully describe the sickening scene that took place next, although as a professional writer, I will certainly give it a try.

It was a young couple in matching sweat suits, which right away red-lined the annoyance meter.

Oblivious to the rest of the world,the two sat there staring rapturously into each other's eyes while feeding each other -- this is where it gets ugly -- TACOS.

The guy began by giving her a bite of his taco and murmuring, 'You're gorgeous, you know that?' somehow managing to ignore the large, red swath of hot sauce forming around her lips.

EWWWW! God, it was awful!

Look, if I were the young man in that situation, I would've had to tell the woman: "While I'm sure you have many fine qualities, the sight of thin strands of processed cheese and shredded lettuce hanging from your chin is one that will haunt me for many, many years.

"Therefore, I think it best that we not see each other anymore."

But far from being turned off by the food dribbling out of her mouth, the guy would actually lean over and KISS her!

Then the woman would take HER taco and jam it in HIS mouth, giggling hysterically as he tried to chew and swallow and breathe at the same time.

I thought the guy was going to black out from oxygen deprivation. But apparently he thought the whole thing was a hoot, too, because he was laughing like he swallowed two hits of peyote.

Well, it was all too much for me. You talk about ruining someone's appetite -- I ditched the rest of my sandwich and decided to go for a walk, instead.

You would think a walk around the harbor on a nice sunny day would be therapeutic. But I kept running into various young couples entwined around each other like we were poolside at Charlie Sheen's place.

One couple was going at it so hot and heavy that I wanted to shout: "Hey! Take that to the back seat of a Camaro where it belongs!"

But of course I did no such thing, fearing that the couple might be armed with His and Hers matching .357 Magnums.

On the way back to the office, I ran into an even MORE annoying variation (if that's possible) of the Handholding Couple from Hell.

This was a preppie young man and woman who had their arms around each other's hips with -- stay with me here -- his right hand in her right rear jeans pocket and her left hand in HIS left rear jeans pocket.

Again, the two were sending off vibes that said, under no circumstances, could they bear to be apart, even to allow others to pass.

Since they were walking shoulder to shoulder, the effect was similar to a large refrigerator walking down the sidewalk.

It caused an incredible hassle as people had to squeeze around them or step into the sidewalk to get by.

But at least they weren't feeding each other ice cream cones or something.

At that point, it would have been too much to handle.

Pub Date: 4/18/96

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