What? It's New Year's Day, and you say you're not going to watch football? What sort of American are you? C'mon, let's see some citizenship papers. OK, if you insist on continuing with this madness, there are a few things on TV today that don't take place within the confines of a 300-foot-long field. But not many.
* "Tournament of Roses Parade" (11 a.m.-12:30 p.m., WBAL, Channel 11; 11 a.m.-1 p.m., WMAR, Channel 2; 11 a.m.-1:30 p.m., WJZ, Channel 13) -- If you want to watch anything other than this parade this afternoon, good luck. Channel 13 will air the festivities 30 minutes longer than any of its competitors. NBC, ABC, CBS.
* "Audrey Hepburn Remembered" (2:50 p.m.-3:55 p.m., MPT, Channels 22 and 67) -- It's possible that no more elegant creature ever walked this planet than Audrey Hepburn. Watch this and see why the whole world seemed to fall in love with her.
* "Katharine Hepburn: All About Me" (3:55 p.m.-5:05 p.m., MPT, Channels 22 and 67) -- She's been a role model for independent women everywhere as well as one of the greatest actresses of her time. See what Ms. Hepburn has to say about herself.
* "Danielle Steel's 'No Greater Love' " (9 p.m.-11 p.m., WBAL, Channel 11) -- The sinking of the Titanic, and the tragedy it lets loose on a 20-year-old English woman making the trip with her family and fiance, sets the stage for this 17th TV adaptation of a Danielle Steel novel.
* "American Bandstand" (7 a.m. today-3:30 a.m. Tuesday, VH-1) -- A day full of Bandstands from 1975-1985 are dragged out of the archives and unleashed on an unsuspecting public. Twenty and one half hours of Dick Clark? AAARRGH!!!! At least some good music should find its way into the mix.