Words to wise ring in new year Resolutions: Our unsolicited advice for the princess, the president, the mayor, the Calvins and other notables of the past year, if only they would take it.

January 01, 1996|By SUN STAFF

There are those who say New Year's resolutions are a bad idea, that they are damaging to self-esteem and set us up for failure.

We agree. So we've decided to make some choice resolutions for other folks this year:

Howard Stern: Complete one sentence without using the words "I," "me" or "my."

Courtney Love: Switch to decaf.

Kurt L. Schmoke: Try espresso.

Prince Charles: Join Parents Without Partners.

Princess Diana: Join Princesses Without Partners.

Bill Clinton: Triangulate at least 20 minutes three times a week.

Newt Gingrich: Fly coach sometime.

The O.J. players: Go away.

Calvin & Hobbes: Come back.

Calvin Klein: Exploit some people your own age.

Cal Ripken: Take a sick day.

Art Modell: Learn to pick up the check.

Jack Kent Cooke: Learn to pick up the check.

Parris N. Glendening -- Swear off listening to soppy movie soundtracks.

American Joe Miedusiewski: Schmooze naked.

Bob Packwood: Bite your tongue.

Hugh Grant: Carry more cash, at least enough for a room.

Oliver Stone: Stop having lunch with Zoh Hieronimus.

Larry King: Start asking tough questions, other than "Will you marry me?"

Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas: Be more publicly affectionate. (We don't think you can do it, but we'd sure like to see you try.)

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince: Get a new name, preferably one that uses letters.

Bill Gates: Invent a computer that will dress you in the morning.

Michael Jackson: Find some playmates who are old enough to drive.

Michael Jacobson and the Center for Science in the Public Interest: Eat a Happy Meal.

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