There are those who say New Year's resolutions are a bad idea, that they are damaging to self-esteem and set us up for failure.
We agree. So we've decided to make some choice resolutions for other folks this year:
Howard Stern: Complete one sentence without using the words "I," "me" or "my."
Courtney Love: Switch to decaf.
Kurt L. Schmoke: Try espresso.
Prince Charles: Join Parents Without Partners.
Princess Diana: Join Princesses Without Partners.
Bill Clinton: Triangulate at least 20 minutes three times a week.
Newt Gingrich: Fly coach sometime.
The O.J. players: Go away.
Calvin & Hobbes: Come back.
Calvin Klein: Exploit some people your own age.
Cal Ripken: Take a sick day.
Art Modell: Learn to pick up the check.
Jack Kent Cooke: Learn to pick up the check.
Parris N. Glendening -- Swear off listening to soppy movie soundtracks.
American Joe Miedusiewski: Schmooze naked.
Bob Packwood: Bite your tongue.
Hugh Grant: Carry more cash, at least enough for a room.
Oliver Stone: Stop having lunch with Zoh Hieronimus.
Larry King: Start asking tough questions, other than "Will you marry me?"
Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas: Be more publicly affectionate. (We don't think you can do it, but we'd sure like to see you try.)
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince: Get a new name, preferably one that uses letters.
Bill Gates: Invent a computer that will dress you in the morning.
Michael Jackson: Find some playmates who are old enough to drive.
Michael Jacobson and the Center for Science in the Public Interest: Eat a Happy Meal.
