Before You Baste That Bird . . .

DAVE BARRY'S TO WIT

November 05, 1995|By DAVE BARRY

We are approaching the Thanksgiving holiday, when we pause to reflect on our blessings by eating pretty much nonstop for an entire day, then staggering off to bed, still chewing, with wads of stuffing clinging to our hair.

It's a spiritual time, yes, but it can also be a tragic time if an inadequately cooked turkey gives us salmonella poisoning, which occurs when tiny turkey-dwelling salmon get into our blood, swim upstream and spawn in our brains (this is probably what happened to Ross Perot). That's why the American Turkey and Giblet Council recommends that, to ensure proper preparation, you cook your turkey in a heated oven for at least two full quarters of the Vikings-Lions game, then give a piece to your dog and observe it closely for symptoms such as vomiting, running for president, etc.

Some day, perhaps, we won't have to take these precautions, not if the U.S. government approves a radical new concept in poultry safety being proposed by a company in Rancho Cucamonga, Calif. I am not making up Rancho Cucamonga. I am also not making up the poultry-safety advance, which was discussed in a lengthy news story by Randyl Drummer in the May 16 issue of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin, sent in by many alert readers. Before I quote from this story, I need to issue a:

Warning to tasteful readers: You should not -- I repeat, not -- read the rest of this column if you are likely to be in any way offended by the term "turkey rectums." Thank you.

The story appeared on the Daily Bulletin's business page, under the headline "Pacer Backing New Use for Glue." It begins, I swear, as follows:

"RANCHO CUCAMONGA -- Jim Munn hopes that the government and the poultry industry will get behind his process for gluing chicken and turkey rectums."

Jim Munn, the story explains, is the president of a company called Pacer Technology, which makes Super Glue. Munn, the story states, believes that meat contamination can be reduced by "gluing shut the rectal cavities of turkeys and chicken broilers." (Needless to say, this would be done after the chickens and turkeys have gone to that Big Barnyard in the Sky; otherwise everybody involved would have to be paid a ridiculous amount of money.)

The story states that "Munn became intrigued by a poultry rectal glue product after a federal inspector contacted him and said he had used Super Glue on a turkey." Jim Munn thought it was a terrific concept. He plans to market the product under the name -- get ready -- "Rectite."

"Poultry officials applaud the idea," states the story.

I do, too. I am all for gluing turkeys shut; in fact, I think they should be glued shut permanently, because, as a consumer, I do not wish to come into contact with those gross organs, necks, glands, etc. that come packed inside them. There are few scarier experiences in life than having to put your unarmed hand inside the cold, clammy recesses of a turkey and pull those things out.

So I urge you to telephone your congressperson immediately and state your position on this issue clearly and forcefully, as follows: "I favor gluing turkey rectums!" And while you have your congressperson on the line, you might want to point out that the Walt Disney Co. is secretly using cartoon movies to promote sex. Yes. I have here a document from an organization called the American Life League, entitled "Official Statement on Disney's Perverted Animation." The document states that Disney has been putting smut into its cartoon movies, and cites the following examples:

* In "Aladdin," "when Prince Ababwa calls on Princess Jasmine on her balcony, a voice whispers, 'Good teen-agers, take off your clothes.' " The document further asserts that in the same movie, Abu the monkey says a bad word.

* In "The Little Mermaid," the officiator in the wedding scene "is obviously sexually aroused." Not only that, but "the box cover of 'The Little Mermaid' contains a phallic symbol in the center of the royal castle."

* In "The Lion King," when Simba plops down, "The cloud of dust that he stirs up, to the upper left of his head, forms the letters S-E-X." (Which, if you remove the hyphens, spells "sex.")

None of this surprises me. There is way more of this perversion going on than we are aware of, and it is not limited to Disney. Look at the shape of the Life Savers package! Are we supposed to believe that's coincidence?

No, this kind of thing is everywhere, and today I am calling on you readers to look for instances of hidden perversion in commercial products, then report them to me by sending a postcard to: Smut Patrol, c/o Dave Barry, Miami Herald, Miami, Fla. 33132.

Working together, we will get to the bottom of this. And then we will glue it shut.

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