Dear diary

September 13, 1995|By Art Buchwald

DEAR DIARY: I have just been elected to the U.S. Senate, and I can't tell you how excited I am. I plan to reduce the deficit, change the tax laws, reform Social Security and get lucky with one of the girls in the office.

Dear Diary: Things are going very well on the Hill. My ethics committee is hard at work investigating sexual harassment in the Senate. The woman lawyer doing the committee work is a knockout, and I can't wait for her to discuss her findings with me in the clothes closet.

Dear Diary: I am having a picnic for the staff. I received a case of California wine from the Napa growers. I told my people that I was so happy with their work I wanted to kiss each and every one of them. The truth is that I really want to kiss Miss Pickle. She is dynamite and has the best legs of any administrative assistant on the Hill. If she doesn't feel the same way about me, I'd be surprised.

Dear Diary: Bad news today. Miss Lockstep, the receptionist, has charged me with sexual misconduct. It's ridiculous.

All I did was give her a box of chocolates and ask her to stay until midnight and help me cut the defense budget.

I didn't do a thing to her except discuss a new voice mail system that I am thinking of installing in the office. Because this would mean less work for her, she thought I was making a pass at her. Will the ceaseless carping ever stop?

Dear Diary: I had a wonderful day. No one accused me of doing anything wrong. I was toying with the idea of putting a sofa bed in the anteroom where the employees relax between armed forces hearings. Miss Belvedere starts work today, and I want to make sure that she knows what needs to be done with the B-2 appropriations bill. Once again, it looks as if I'll have to work all night.

Dear Diary: The Senate seems to be agitated about all the charges filed against me by members of the staff. I have demanded a full and open hearing to defend myself. My lawyer says that there's nothing wrong with kissing women as long as you maintain your congressional immunity.

The committee wants this diary to incriminate me.

They're not going to get it. Everyone knows that I am a passionate individual, but that doesn't mean I don't respect those who work for me. A kiss on the earlobe never hurt anybody.

Art Buchwald is a syndicated columnist.

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