On the blocking of hats, and putting shoes on right

June 05, 1995|By ROGER SIMON

Simon says:

Let me get this straight: Philip Morris is recalling 8 billion cigarettes because they may cause throat irritation, dizziness, and coughing. But Philip Morris won't recall any cigarettes just because they cause cancer, emphysema and heart disease?

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Is there any place where you can still get a hat blocked? (And if you had a hat, why would you want it blocked?)

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Just two more years until Baltimore's bicentennial? I'm getting chills already.

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When Siskel and Ebert disagree, always go with Ebert.

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Does anyone but me find it a little ironic that Spiro Agnew had to pay only a $10,000 fine for committing a felony and disgracing the nation, but taxpayers had to pay $50,000 for that bust of him in the Capitol? (To me, the bust looks like Agnew is stifling a laugh. Now I know why.)

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How come you never see women pallbearers?

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You Read It Hear First: Watch for William Donald Schaefer to endorse Bob Dole and angle for Ambassador to the Court of St. James's (that's Great Britain to you) should he win.

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Although some TV commentators said Judge Ito got angry and banged his gavel not long ago, I can assure you he did not. Judge Ito doesn't have a gavel. The loud cracking sound came from Ito slamming both hands down on the bench. California judges are not issued gavels, perhaps to save on the woodwork. (So when Court TV says it is providing gavel-to-gavel coverage of the O. J. Simpson trial, it is speaking metaphorically.)

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How come every time a person calls you and it's a wrong number, you know he is going to call back in about five seconds?

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A press release issued under the name of Cheryl Benton, campaign manager and spokesperson for Mary Pat Clarke, announced a new finance chairman last week "who served in the recent Joseph Curren for Attorney General campaign." In that race, the release says, he worked "under the direction of Curren campaign manager Cheryl Benton." "I had a lot of success . . . in the Curren race," Benton is quoted as saying.

But not much success in spelling the name of her former employer: It's Joseph Curran, with an a. A small thing. And Benton sure hopes you vote for Mary Pat Clerk.

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Men who wear jackets and ties to baseball games should be beaten with sticks.

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Confidential to Confused in Catonsville: You get to keep the foul balls at baseball games, but not stray tennis balls at tennis matches because in tennis matches all the balls must have approximately the same amount of wear. If a fan kept a stray tennis ball and they had to put a new ball in play, the players would never know which it was and whether it was going to take a higher bounce. Either that or tennis officials are really cheap.

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If "Seinfeld" doesn't improve next season, it will be sayonara time.

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Brian Ross, the best investigative reporter on TV, did it again with his expose on bogus airliner parts. Summary: Every time we fly -- and this includes President Clinton on Air Force One -- we are in danger from substandard replacement parts.

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Paperback pick of the month: "The Roosevelts: An American Saga" by Peter Collier with David Horowitz.

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Yes, I'm afraid it's true: It is unlucky to put on your left shoe before your right. (Or maybe it's the other way around.)

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If either Phil Gramm or Bob Dole becomes president, he will be the eighth president in our history to have a one syllable last name. Can you name the other seven? (This is not a trick question, but it is a tough one. Don't cheat by looking it up. The fifth caller with the correct answer will be appointed Ambassador to the Court of St. James's.)

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Bumper Sticker of the Month: "Nuclear war can never determine who is right, only who is left."

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