WASHINGTON — Washington. -- Ten-point political ''contracts,'' noble promises with pretty titles, are in fashion. Nevertheless, some of the nation's needs are being neglected. So, here is the Contract to Tidy Up Loose Ends.
The Young American Male Beautification Act. The government has shoved billboards back from some highways and fenced off junkyards but has done nothing about the worst eyesores. Therefore Congress shall impose a tax of $1,000 per pair of earrings sold to young men. Revenues shall fund research on the use of electroshock treatment to cure the wearing of baseball caps backward.
The Captains Of Industry ''Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You'' Compensation Act. Any leader of any industry benefiting from a government subsidy -- for example, low-interest loans, export assistance, a tariff on competitive foreign products -- shall have the status of, and shall not be eligible to receive compensation higher than, a federal bureaucrat. The heads of Ford, Chrysler and General Motors will not be lonely toiling in this condition; many of their friends from Fortune 500 corporations will be there, too.
The Two For The Price Of One, Don't Mess With This Tough Country Security Act. This closes Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House, but only to Japanese luxury cars.
The We Don't Need Term Limits Congressional Pension Reform. Any senator retiring after two terms or any representative retiring after six terms shall receive a lifetime pension of $1 million a year tax-free, and any legislator serving longer shall receive upon retirement $10,000 a year taxed at the highest rate the legislator ever voted for.
The ''Hey, If We Are Really Serious About Democracy Let's Get On With It'' Pizza Voter Act. The namby-pamby Motor Voter Act requires only that states provide for registering voters at offices where driver's licenses and welfare and other government benefits are issued. This new act will require that the kid who delivers your pizza be prepared to register you, the better to improve the thoughtfulness of the electorate by making it bigger.
The San Diego Tank Demonstration Project Block Grant For Better Rush Hour Traffic. Every community large enough to have morning and evening rush hours shall receive a grant to purchase tanks which shall roll down the curb lanes during hours when parking is banned in those lanes, smushing parked cars. Tanks also shall be used to make an impression on drivers who do not signal a left turn until they are sitting in the middle of the intersection.
The Sauce For The Gander Corporation For Public Newspapers Act. Most American households are wired for cable and so have scores of choices in television programming. Most American communities have at most one newspaper. Yet we have a Corporation for Public Broadcasting to subsidize yet another television offering, but no Corporation for Public Newspapers. A CPN would provide the ''diversity'' so heartily praised by newspaper editorials in support of the CPB.
The Lump Them Together And Let Liberals Sort It Out, Zero-Sum Game Appropriation Consolidation. All monies for the National Endowment for the Arts and National Endowment for the Humanities shall be put into one big pot with all monies for AIDS research and Head Start and infant nutrition. A dollar spent on the NEA and NEH shall be subtracted from the dollars available for AIDS and children. Have a nice day and enjoy the opera.
The Omnibus Sports Improvement Act. NBA referees who do not call traveling and baseball umpires who do not call the full strike zone are sentenced (if this punishment does not violate the Eighth Amendment) to attend arena-football games. And baseball's anti-trust exemption shall be repealed if ever again, as recently happened, an arena-football game draws a bigger crowd than the Brewers draw in Milwaukee, the home of he who is smilingly known as the commissioner of what is anachronistically called the national pastime.
The 1995 Crime Control Act To Prevent Violence Against the American Language. It shall be a crime, punishable by having ''The Bridges of Madison County'' read aloud to an offender, to use ''anxious'' and ''eager'' as synonyms, or ''disinterested'' and ''uninterested'' as synonyms. People will be eager to comply with this law because they will be anxious about the possibility of their case being heard by an uninterested judge.
Ten items. We contract writers, like God, know when to stop rather than risk overburdening humanity.
George F. Will is a syndicated columnist.