Just what is it O.J. Simpson keeps doodling on that note pad in the courtroom? The authors of "French for Cats" and "Latin for all Occasions" think they have the answer.
"O.J.'s Legal Pad: Private Property of O.J. Simpson Personal and Confidential (A Spoof, and Nothing But a Spoof)" is a new 64-page yellow legal-pad notebook available at bookstores for $8.95.
The authors, National Lampoon co-founder Henry Beard and writer John Boswell, offer caustic doodles (a ridiculous caricature of Judge Ito facing a nuclear bomb, for instance), creative defense strategies (O.J. may be willing to plead sort-of guilty to "leaving the scene of a potential made-for-TV-movie") and self-analysis, to wit:
Not so nice things i"ve done:
Endorsed Hertz but actually rented from Alamo.
Nice things I've done:
Put money in those little cans by the cash register.
Signed autographs for free (time to rethink this policy?).
What made thump noises Kato heard:
Shanked golf ball off wall.
Very, very small localized earthquake (knocked over tulips like ten pins).
House has always been haunted (weird stuff happens -- gloves appear out of nowhere, mysterious blood stains all over place, sidewalk, socks, etc.).
Was hanging up picture of mom on outside of house (love that lady!).
Why Kato didn't see me go into house that night:
Was wearing house-colored sweat suit! (Remember color -- "stucco.")
Name brutally shortened when I was kid -- all my life called by my initials -- humiliated.
Black rage (talk to Kunstler -- if won't wash, try black annoyance? Black peevishness?)
Devil made me do it!! (Ha Ha)
Why I had $8 thousand and fake beard on Bronco suicide trip!
Had to buy nice coffin, pay for cemetery plot.
Get much better deal if funeral guys didn't recognize me.