Nose rings, intriguing art and objects of fascination

April 17, 1995|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

I'm sorry, but when a person is wearing a nose ring, I can't look anywhere else.

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The definition of an intellectual in America is someone who has never taped "Baywatch."

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People who like anchovies always marry people who don't and they fight over pizzas for the rest of their lives.

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A factoid I read but don't believe: "The average woman sends 17 birthday cards a year and the average man sends 10."

Maybe in Hallmark's dreams.

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Inquiring Minds Want to Know: Two weeks ago, O. J. Simpson was ordered to switch his seat at the defense table. He now sits one seat in from the end instead of at the end. This was ordered by sheriff's deputies who demanded that Simpson have both his feet beneath the table at all times. No, I don't know why, and I am not sure they do.

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Does anybody really know what "once-removed" means, as in, "I'm Joe's cousin once-removed?"

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Those new 7-Eleven commercials are brilliant.

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Can anyone remember the last time Richard Lewis was funny?

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Ever see an intriguing painting and wonder what the artist meant by it? Ever feel like writing a letter to the artist and asking? Go ahead! There's no law against it.

The other day I saw a fascinating painting by an artist named Robert Brawley. There were a number of interesting objects in the painting like airplanes and toy blocks and coins. So I found out Brawley lives in Kansas, and I wrote him a letter and asked him what it all meant.

Here is his response:

"I regret that I seem unable to explain these ideas in plain simple language without becoming overloaded and encumbered with philosophic and psychological wordiness. I have an interest in a purely visual, sensory intelligence that is linked to a non-linguistic system of meaning. I believe this intelligence exists in the sensory system and the psychological unconscious. It is, for me, a world of non-linear meanings and intuitional communication. It can be viewed as a non-rationalistic form of syntax based on the perceived properties of the elements in the painting."

I'm really glad I asked.

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Yes, it's true: The electric toaster was invented 100 years ago by Crompton & Co. in England, and in the century that has followed, nobody has been able to figure out how to keep crumbs from collecting in the bottom.

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That's a terrific cover photo on the April issue of Baltimore magazine. You'd almost think it was really Don Schaefer.

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It's maddening how often CNN breaks away for commercials during its coverage of the Simpson trial. Doesn't Ted Turner have enough money already?

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"Love and Betrayal: The Mia Farrow Story" was the best trash TV I have ever seen. Patsy Kensit makes a more convincing Mia Farrow than Mia Farrow.

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Yes, it's true: Both Paul McCartney and Marcia Clark are left-handed.

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As if we didn't have enough to worry about: "A leisurely conversation can result in a veritable downpour of 500 or more saliva droplets per minute" according to the April issue of Smithsonian magazine.

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No matter how many times I try, I can't make those 3-D magazine ads work.

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If it weren't for salesmen, what would the cuff link industry do?

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While there is nothing wrong with those bumper stickers that say, "I Have a Child on the Honor Roll of Such-and-Such School," I do like the bumper sticker I saw last week: "I Support My Child Unconditionally."

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You can't call yourself a real tourist unless you've taken a picture of at least one airplane wing.

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No animals were injured in the writing of this column.

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