Smoker on firing line groveling at Camden Yards


a Lion roars

April 05, 1995|By DAN RODRICKS

A blue-jeaned guy walks into a Calvert Street bar. "Can I smoke in here?" he asks. "Sure," says the bartender. The customer sighs, lights up and says: "Next thing you know, they'll line us all up against the wall and shoot us. . . . Then they'll probably tell us Budweiser is bad for us, too."

Get a life

I actually read in the paper the other day that both sides in the baseball strike were "emotionally and financially drained by the work stoppage." Yeah, right, and Donald Fehr is Lech Walesa.

Quick, somebody please tell all those people who lined up

yesterday for tickets at Camden Yards to stop groveling and get a life.

@4 Oh, boy, just 21 more days 'til scalping season!

No bull roast

At first, I thought it was just a clever April Fools' joke -- the ad in the Carroll County Times that said: "Notice: Due to no planning and no ticket sales Lineboro/Manchester Lions Club must regretfully cancel its bull roast scheduled for Saturday, April 1st." The ad was signed by William C. Rogers Jr., the club president. But he wasn't fooling. He was fuming. The Lions' bull roast was a bust. And just so everyone knew why, Rogers paid for the ad himself. Ought to be an interesting discussion at the next club meeting -- something maybe like Simba's last encounter with Scar in "The Lion King."

With brotherly love

Time again for the Malaprop Report. Today's visiting lecturer: Brother Kevin Strong, F.S.C., president, Calvert Hall College, Towson.

"One of our Christian Brothers in Philadelphia uses them quite often. His name is Brother Lew, so we have dubbed them, 'Lew-isms.' . . . We are greatly amused by Lew's total unawareness of his use of these expressions. He is a legend in our province and we call around if we hear him use a new one.

"One of his greatest involves his favorite tenor, Placebo Domingo, in the Wagner opera 'Townhouser.' He often remarked about the number of accidents caused by people crossing the remedial strip of the highway. He wondered about a lady giving a lecture wearing a loose-fitting dress: 'Is that one of those Hawaiian mau mau's?' And about the Brother who was transferred to California and San Luis Nabisco. The artificial logs in the fireplace were not as nice as those of his mother's, which cackled when they burned. . . . The new finish on the gymnasium floor will make it invenerable. For Mother's Day he bought his mother a terranium because she liked flowers. . . . He saw a lady walking her dog and the dog ran away from her dragging its lease behind it."

Elvis, Frank hit the road

Among many, Mickey Light, the Sinatra impersonator, will miss Lou Hanes, manager of the Graceland Cafeteria at the Baltimore County Courthouse. Lou, who died of a heart attack Thursday, used to book the Mick for lunchtime gigs. "Lou was a great guy, a real character," says Mickey, quite a piece of work himself. "He would invite me to sing in the cafeteria. It was a weird gig, but I liked it. I got a lot of mileage out of it. Cop stops me on Eastern Avenue, says the front tag is missing from my truck. He was gonna give me a ticket when alla sudden he says, 'Hey, are you Mickey Light? I seen you in the Towson cafeteria, get outta here.' . . . Lou really liked Elvis, though." So he used to book Elvis impersonator Mike Hoover. Now, Mickey and Mike are going on the road together. They'll play a joint in the Poconos next month. "I wanted them to bill us 'Sinatra and Elvis,' " Mickey says. "It's going to be 'Elvis and Sinatra,' but I don't care."

Dumb Suburban Planning

We have had a good response to the request for favorite examples of Dumb Suburban Planning. Still, if you know of a stunningly inefficient and detrimental land use, or a really ugly development in what had been an open space worth preserving, at least in part -- we want to hear from you by April 15. We'll publish the results in time for Earth Day, a week later. Address your letters to This Just in, The Sun, 501 N. Calvert St., Baltimore 21278.


How a student spelled the name of O. J. Simpson's world-famous house guest in a recent college current events quiz: "Kat O'Kaelin."

How someone spelled a warning to pedestrians near a construction site at Harford Road and Bonaparte Avenue: "Sidewalk Colsed."

I get a little mixed up, too, sometimes. Baskerville, not Bakersville (as it appeared in this space Monday), is the publisher of Baltimorean Thomas Keech's first novel.

Gone fishin'

If anyone found a Seiko wristwatch on or about March 26 near Little Falls in Parkton, give me a call (332-6166). That watch belonged to my buddy Bush Hog James. Poor guy lost it while sliding Velveeta balls onto a fish hook.

Call waiting

At a hearing on the performance of United Artists Cable last week, John Casey, a Canton resident, offered a suggestion for how to cope with the company's Byzantine electronic call-handling system: Pretend you still have a rotary phone; you'll get through to a real, live human being much faster.

Also, have you heard the new 411 computerized operator? Dial it up, check it out. Sounds like the Stepford Wives have finally taken over.

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