Pizza Woes

April 03, 1995|By ANDREI CODRESCU

NEW ORLEANS — New Orleans. Congress and people are in a cutting and banning mood. You hear this all the time now.

Today I thought I'd do my part and try to find something to ban and cut.

I see in the paper that a boy in Miami shot a man for wanting an extra slice from the pizza the boy bought for some homeless people, including the greedy man. Charity was mixed up in this kid with a heightened sense of justice. I've always been leery of charity for that reason: It's just bait, usually.

I also see that in California a pizza thief got 25-years-to-life. That's not quite getting killed but it's still pretty severe. That's about five years a slice. I bet the man's sorry he didn't go for the poached salmon in ginger sauce with the steamed vegetables instead.

Not so long ago, two Eskimo kids were banished to two remote islands for robbing a pizza delivery man. The price for pizza-snatching is going up and up.

There was a time, back in the old days, when the national food was hamburger not pizza. Everything was better then. Nobody snatched anybody's burger, because it was disgusting eating a burger with a bite taken out of it. It's not like detaching a slice.

The burger was also made of just three things, brown meat, bun and slop, not a hundred different layers of things that can vary. The burger was simple to grasp, unlike the pizza, which is complex and multicultural. And while both burger and pizza are round, the burger is an individual sphere, while the pizza is a communal circle.

It is astounding that after the collapse of communism it should be the communistic pizza and not the individualistic burger that's got a hold on the nation.

The answer is clear: Ban pizza. It makes people insane. It is slicing through the moral fiber of the nation like a razor-edged frisbee with pepperoni on it.

Andrei Codrescu is editor of ''Exquisite Corpse.''

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